Breaking: Yoga May Make You Vulnerable To Satanic Possession

Now, we're already well aware that thrift store clothing is basically a party bus for demons, but did you know that yoga is actually making you more vulnerable to invasion by Satan? Why, yes. According to prophet and homophobic scientist (his research shows that the gays are totally "icky" — pew! Cooties! "Yuck!"), E.W. Jackson, the purpose of yogic meditation is "to empty oneself... [Satan] is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it. That is why people serve Satan without ever knowing it or deciding to."

Check yourself, girl. Are you possessed by Satan? Here are a few quick ways to find out. During your last yoga sesh, did you suddenly levitate off the floor and spin your head around? Do you occasionally break out of downward-facing dog to behead newborn infants? And, most importantly, is your mantra a lyric from a Cradle of Filth song? If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, you may have been invaded by Satan during your latest sun hellfire salutation.

Jackson, who is currently a candidate for the position of lieutenant governor in Virginia, reminds you that "no one can be a child of God without making a decision to surrender to him. Beware of systems of spirituality which tell you to empty yourself. You will end up filled with something you probably do not want." During yoga, for us, that's usually gas-related; but hey, you never know. (Politico)