Before A Penis Was A Penis: Sex Slang Throughout History

What word did people use for "vagina" in 1714? Or for "testicles" in 1300? Along with the rest of language, sex terminology has been evolving since humans started talking. Lest you assume that the vestiges of modern-day sex talk have been lost in the annals of time, the world’s foremost slang lexicographer is here to say it ain’t so. And, he should know; he can tell you exactly what a vagina was called in 1714.

Jonathon Green has dedicated his life to studying slang. His book, Green’s Dictionary of Slang, chronicles the march of English-language slang through the past five centuries — an epic Urban Dictionary for the ages that covers 10.3 million words (with citations) and has understandably solidified Green's role as slang lexicography’s finest.

Now, Green and TimeGlider have graced us with interactive online charts that break out perhaps the most fascinating genre of Green’s research: sex slang. Humans have been "bumping uglies" since our cave days, but we certainly didn't call it that back then. So, which period in history lays claim to the most inventive terms for genitalia and sex?

The Timeline of Slang Words for the Vagina begins in 1250, with the first recorded appearance of the (now-derogatory) word "cunt." Fortunately, the vagina was eventually lavished with more poetic euphemisms, including "Venus’s honeypot" (early 1700s), "quim whiskers" (late 1800s), and, descriptively, "that thing" (early 1900s). The minds of vagina-label innovators apparently turned to food by the end of the 20th century, as evidenced by the monikers "bikini burger," "hairy doughnut," and "bacon sandwich."

The penis slang timeline begins with the year 1300 and the first known usage of the word "ballocks." This term’s proved its worth via longevity; you can find it on the lips of frustrated Brits even today, with a slight vowel adjustment. And, English speakers only got more creative from there. "Fiddle," "spindle," and "pulling prick" all cropped up in the Middle Ages to describe the penis, while "bush-whacker," "cranny hunter," "fornicating engine," and "Captain Standish" (yes, seriously) are just a few of the nicknames born at the turn of the 20th century. And, the sexy-talk walk through history doesn’t end there.

For even more linguistic amazingness, explore the charts that track the evolution of slang for intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, orgasm, bodily fluids, and contraception. In honor of this week's #tbt, why not sprinkle some seriously old-timey diction into your sexting? While the effect would be most dramatic if you delivered your message by horse (or raven), your iPhone will do just fine. And, if your partner asks if you’d like to "navigate the windward passage," just be sure to consult Green’s chart before you agree. It may be safer to stick with the word "fuck" — that one’s been around since the 1500s, and still means the same exact thing.