Look no further than this op-ed’s outdated bias towards sex within heterosexual marriages and the preposterously untrue assertion that the gender rights of the sexual revolution have been “established.” Women aren’t stupid enough to think the sexual revolution is a done deal. Get back to me when white rapists caught in the act aren’t
released after three months. Get back to me when trans women aren’t
being murdered in disproportionately high numbers. Get back to me when Planned Parenthood isn’t
under attack. Get back to me when people stop telling our first female major party presidential candidate to
talk less and smile more. Please. “Established,” my ass.
As Dr. Ley told me, “Instead of shaming certain behaviors, it would be nice if we idealized and prioritized attention to consent, honesty, self-awareness, negotiation, integrity, and mutuality in sexuality. Then, we could look at [people like] Weiner and say, ‘This was unhealthy because it wasn't honest and didn't have integrity,’ as opposed to saying, ‘Don't do that!’”
Perhaps the saddest thing about Anderson and Rabbi Boteach’s call for a “sensual revolution” is that it already exists. There are
countless places online and in stores to find pornography that depicts
love, personality, and imagination (warning: link NSFW). If you have never found a commercial porn video you enjoyed, then you now have an even better option: making customized, personalized porn with your personal communication device. Contrary to the lurid stories most often reported about sexting, most naked selfies and screenshots of dirty talk conversations are shared joyfully between consenting adults.
So I urge you to push back against this creepy conservative doublespeak in three concrete ways:
1. Learn how to be an ethical consumer of pornography. When you’re concerned about exploitation in the garment industry, you buy ethically produced clothes. When you’re sickened by the state of the food industry, you buy ethically produced food. So if you’re concerned that porn is not ethically made (meaning: it’s produced in safe, consensual working environments, and it avoids the aforementioned problematic messaging), it’s up to you, the consumer, to create demand for porn that reflects your tastes and values. There are numerous online resources for pornographers who are transparent about business practices and who identify as
feminists. Read what pornographers have to say about working in the industry today. Pay for memberships. Buy DVDs. Buy clips. Hell, commission custom clips from industrious porn performers!
2. Experiment and have fun with sexting. I might be biased, since I wrote
an entire book about the ethics and etiquette of sexting, but I happen to think of erotic digital communication as fun, creative, and healthy. Some conservatives would have you believe that taking a naked selfie when you’re feelin’ yourself and sharing it with someone who wants to see it is morally degrading. Luckily, those people don’t get to tell you what to do with your sex life. If you have a partner, text them the deliciously filthy thoughts you’re having about them in real time. If you’re single, use your phone and computer as a tool for getting to know people, deepening your connections, and getting off. (Just make sure to exercise caution when dealing with strangers, depending on your particular preferences, like you would in any other situation.)
3. Consider the specifics of what monogamy means to you. People in relationships (or traditional monogamists in general) often assume that what monogamy means to one person will mean the same to another. Maybe you feel totally comfortable with your partner watching porn, but you would feel betrayed if you knew he or she occasionally swiped his way through Tinder for entertainment. Maybe you think it’s adorable that your girlfriend or boyfriend loves supporting enterprising dancers by making it rain at the local strip club, but your blood would run cold if they platonically shared a bed with an ex. Take the time to think deep thoughts and talk specifics with your partner. Remember, Weiner’s ethical transgression was not in sexting with strangers, but in (presumably) lying to his wife. He reportedly knew that extramarital sexting would be hurtful to her and he did it anyway.
But lest you get caught up in the nuances of the arguments for and against porn (and all of the strings attached to them), let’s return to the subject of ice cream. Porn and sexting are treats, just like ice cream. So treat yourself in moderation, if you’re so inclined. And don’t let anyone shame you — you deserve it.