Everything That Happened On Life Of Kylie Premiere

It's 2017, which means that E! finally thinks Kylie Jenner has enough drama in her life to support her own reality series. Yes, Life of Kylie is here and it's essentially a show about selfies, Instagram, and feeling insecure about being in the public eye while literally exposing everything about yourself at the exact same time. If you're reading this, that means that you are the teensy, tiniest bit curious about what more we could possibly need to know about the 19-year-old social media star who posts multiple photos of her life each day, has her own app, and appears in another reality show for the other half of the year.

But first let me explain to you a few of the basics.

The main character is Kylie, and the main supporting character is her bestie, model Jordyn Woods. From there, we have her hair guy (Tokyo: "He's really good at wigs"), her makeup artist (Ariel: He is a "diva" especially "when he's tan"), and her executive assistant (Victoria: she is on the phone a lot).

Not... a lot. Most of the early drama is very obviously set up by producers to make sure that the viewers get enough action without Kylie having to actually expose any secrets about her life. (In the first two episodes, there is no real mention of a love life, dating life, or anything more than makeup and her long-time best friendship with Jordyn.)

At one point Kylie says this: “In order to stay relevant, I have to post on Instagram.” Good enough?

Basically: you know exactly who you are if you watch this show. There is no shame in wanting to watch candid footage of Kylie Jenner trying on clothes and playing with her very skinny, hairless dogs.

Now that we're all on the same page, let's get to the recap of the two-part, much-anticipated, future Emmy-award winning series: Life of Kylie.

Kylie Jenner feels bad for her Lamborghini because she never takes it out to drive. She has a lot of cars, and just never is in the mood for the Lambo. I relate to this because once I bought an expensive shirt but do not feel in the mood to wear it a lot. I feel bad about it. It's clear from the beginning that this show will be relatable, because we all have a Lambo in our lives that we don't drive enough.

A typical morning for Kylie seems to be waking up, putting on a cat onesie with matching slippers, and playing with her four thin dogs: Norman, "The Dad," Bambi, "The Mom," and then their two babies. "Do you want kids?" a producer asks off screen in the next shot. "I do want kids," she says. "My dogs feel like my little kids" — pause as the dogs start barking in the background — "...should we shut them up?"

I mean, calling your dogs your kids while simultaneously wanted them to shut up is kinda of hilarious. Kylie is funny! Sort of. But most of the time she is serious. She is serious when she talks about selfies: “Posting a selfie is hard. There’s a lot of pressure. It has to be perfect.” She is serious when she talks about why she only flies private planes: “I’m not bougie like that. It’s just a lot of people at the airport. A lot of people taking pictures of you while you’re just trying to be in sweats. I just do not like the airport. It scares me.” And she is serious when she talks about her makeup: “It is really my only passion.”

So, the real action of this episode is that Kylie is going to prom. She never got to go because she was homeschooled (and because she was really famous from being on KUWTK since the age of 9). Kylie admits that she unfollowed a bunch of her old friends from school on social media around the time of prom last year because it hurt too bad to see all her former classmates going to prom together without her. (She has been to the Met Gala twice, but it's like... prom, you know?) Enter: the bestie Jordyn. She has a plan for Kylie to escort a fan who is bullied at school to prom as a surprise. Kylie FaceTimes his mom, who freaks out, and they start planning for her appearance. "I have a soft spot for the outcast," Kylie says in a confessional. "I was kind of an outcast. I still feel like an outcast in different ways now because I can’t relate to a lot of people." The whole experience of hearing about Albert (the high schooler) being bullied is really making her think about things. "Kids are mean these days," she says. This is true.

Anyways, Kylie is going to prom in Sacramento with Albert as a surprise, but has to fly a private plane to make it there in time. (This is an extremely impromptu decision for her to go.... wink.) Like she said earlier, she can't fly commercial because it scares her, and things start to get stress-ful, but that's just the life of Kylie, y'know? But don't worry — she makes it. The episode ends with Kylie getting ready in the hotel room next to Albert who is getting fitted for a tux but has no idea that the reality star is in the next room (along with her whole crew who also attend the high school event). The episode ends with Kylie entering the room and surprising Albert, who is really the world's cutest high schooler, and now I think they should date.

The two head off for an evening of... selfies and making rude classmates jealous ,which is literally my perfect evening. You're really doing great at living that normal life, Ky. The clock strikes midnight, and Cinderella (Kylie) must board her pumpkin carriage (private plane) to go back to her humble roots (a mansion in Calabasas).

Off her good deed high ("We killed that shit!”), Kylie is really into the idea of going to therapy. (which, WTF she hasn't been going to therapy?!) She's psyched about it: “I should go to therapy. I want to go to therapy! My first therapy session. I want to go to therapy!” In the therapy session, she opens up about losing the ability to be "super weird" and act silly with friends. Being on TV has changed her entire personality, she says, which is a pretty intense thing to say. But she also rightfully acknowledges that "a lot of people have it worse" than her.

But episode 2 of Life of Kylie wasn't actually all about Kylie — it's also about Jordyn. The two girls' lives are deeply intertwined, and sometimes that backfires. Especially when it comes to dating. "I feel like I am in a full relationship," Jordyn says of her around-the-clock time spent with Kylie. "There are different kinds of relationships and we are in one. Not sexual, but definitely emotionally. It is draining sometimes. I don’t want to say that she is a ‘needy girlfriend’ but..."

I can only imagine what it's like to be best friends with the most famous teenager in the world. Draining to say the least. To show Jordyn just how much she appreciates her, Kylie sets her up on a blind coffee date, which goes pretty poorly because Kylie makes Jordyn wear an earpiece so she can talk to her the whole time. Yeah, "needy" is the right word for that. Later in the episode, the two best friends go to the beach together in the dead of night. Kylie remarks that it's her first time at this beach in a long time, presumably because of the paparazzi that would follow her there during the day. She's wearing rolling sneakers and sweatpants and vows that they will have the best summer, ever. Their conversation is the realest bit from the hour-long premiere, because she admits that she often wishes she had a different life. Don't we all?

All in all, Life of Kylie will examine the mundanity of Kylie Jenner, and really honing in on how normal and average her life is. Except for the fact that she's...Kylie Jenner.

Prom is anti-climatic.

Therapy is good.

The Lambo is lonely.