How Exactly Does Ashton Kutcher Clean His Crotch? A Very Serious Investigation

Last night, while doomscrolling Twitter before bed, I ran across a CNN headline that read, "Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis say they don't believe in bathing their kids or themselves too much." Before I even read the article, I immediately forwarded it to my sister because — as I'll bravely admit for the sake of this story — we both hate showering and often talk about what a time suck personal hygiene is. When I woke up this morning, I had a response from her that read: "They're not wrong."

Despite the two of us being very much on the same page about the celebrity couple's take on bathing, we seem to be in the minority. On Twitter, the overwhelming reaction to the article is that not bathing yourself or your kids regularly is disgusting — even my own co-workers were utterly repulsed. "My life was better before I knew this information," one wrote on Slack, to much agreement. But when I finally read the full article, which was centred around a conversation Kutcher and Kunis had on a recent episode of Dax Shepard's podcast Armchair Expert, it was not the fact that these two don't often shower that gave me pause. Instead, it was Kutcher saying, "I wash my armpits and my crotch daily and nothing else ever." This begs the question: Does Ashton Kutcher dip his groin in the sink?

While you might jump to the conclusion that Kutcher is entering the shower to do this daily crotch rinse, I have to say, as someone who — again, being brave here — despises bathing, I just don't think so. You see, if you have an aversion to the arduous process of cleaning your body, you're not popping into the shower for quickies as needed. If I'm going to take the time out of my day to fully undress and get all the way into the shower, then everything from scalp to toes is getting a good scrubbing, so that I don't have to do it again for a good long while. I cannot stress this enough: I've never understood the concept of a fast post-workout body shower. You're already making the commitment to get clean so you might as well make it count. 

Listening to the episode of Armchair Expert for more context, I learned that this topic came up because Shepard had long been discouraging his co-host Monica Padman from washing her whole body with soap every day, because it rids the skin of its important natural oils. So Padman and Shepard asked their guests about their bathing habits, and that's when Kutcher and Kunis offered up the details of their personal hygiene. Padman then said, "I can't believe I'm in the minority here of washing my whole body in the shower," which seems to imply that Kutcher is not, in fact, doing his crotch-wash in a shower. So what is he doing? 

Perhaps he splashes water onto his nether region from outside the shower or bath, but that just seems like it would make a real mess. Since they're wealthy celebrities, it's likely that he and Kunis have a fancy toilet, like one of those $17,000 Toto bidets that can wash and dry your back and front with ease, so he could be using that. However, on the podcast, he said he uses Lever 2000 for his ball-bath, and I just can't picture anyone bringing a bar of soap with them to the toilet. I mean really, where would you place it while you rinsed? Somehow the only option that makes logical sense in my — perhaps somewhat twisted — mind is that this man is dunking his whole crotch in the bathroom sink on a daily basis.

Now you may be wondering, How would this work? Well, I've taken the liberty of doing some calculations. According to FinestBathroom.com, the standard height of a bathroom sink is anywhere between 30 to 36 inches. While I do not know how long Ashton Kutcher's legs are, if CelebHeights.com is to be believed, he is 6'2". In a 2018 study entitled "The influence of leg-to-body ratio, arm-to-body ratio and intra-limb ratio on male human attractiveness" published in Royal Society Open Science, it is revealed that American women find the leg-to-body ratio — length from ankle-to-hip — of 1:1 most attractive for men. Since Kutcher is widely considered to be a heartthrob among heterosexual women in America, and with that horny ratio in mind, let's assume his legs are around 37 inches long — give or take. That means, even if he has a sink that's on the taller side, he'd likely be able to dip his genitals into it with relative ease, especially if he's got a stool around for an extra boost. And, since bar soap is a staple on many bathroom sinks, his trusty Lever 2000 would likely already be close by. It all fits.

If this is in fact the case, I applaud Kutcher for his commitment to not ever stepping foot inside a shower. I only wish that my own body was so perfectly proportioned as to accommodate this type of cleansing — and, you know, that female genitalia could be so easily dunked.