‘Cat Dads’ vs ‘Cat Ladies’: The Unfair Double Standard In Pop Culture

What do you think of when I say “cat lady”? Be honest: for a second you added the problematic term “crazy” to the beginning of that phrase, didn’t you? And maybe you even thought of that character in The Simpsons – Eleanor Abernathy, the old lady covered in cats who throws her feline companions at strangers and yells unintelligibly.

At the very least, even if you didn’t think of her, the words that generally seem to associate with “cat lady” are “single,” “lives alone,” “no kids,” and, according to every misogynist on the Internet, “sad.”

But what about if I say “cat dad”?

This probably conjures up something very different in your mind. A ruggedly handsome man cuddling an adorable kitten. Isn’t he so gentle? Isn’t that just heartwarming?

Why the difference? Let’s start at the beginning, with the origins of the “crazy cat lady” trope. It began with witches — specifically, the idea that a cat was a witch’s “familiar.” Witches were, of course, back in the 1500s, associated with the devil, with Satanic rituals, sex, lewd behaviour, curses, and a brand of “witch” was almost a guaranteed death sentence.

Eventually, the world moved on from witch accusations (sort of), but the association between women and cats was already cemented. Particularly, an association between older women, who were often labelled “spinsters.” And so, the stereotypical notions of a cat lady took form. Old, unmarried, childless, alone, covered in cats, and, of course, miserable.

The idea of “cat dads”, on the other hand, is relatively newer, and in some ways, we can rejoice that men are stepping up and proclaiming their affection for their feline companions. But this tiny step forward in letting men embrace the more delicate-seeming pet choice has done nothing but highlight the significant difference between the perceptions of male cat owners and female cat owners.

Consider the documentary dedicated solely to men who love cats – Cat Daddies, released in 2021, a portrayal of the lives of nine men and their feline companions. There was a documentary in a similar vein about women and their cats – Cat Ladies – and the marketing is substantially different.

Cat Daddies is a “heartwarming” portrait of men who have a “proud” love of cats, including some fine, handsome young men. Cat Ladies claims that cats “mean more” to these “crazy cat ladies” than humans and that their “self-worth” is intrinsically caught up in their cats. The cast mostly featured older women with hoarding issues. A bit different, no?

The same goes for other media. When men get cats in movies and television shows, it often signifies a melting of their cold exterior, or is used a chance to show their softer side — think A Man Called Otto. But when women do, it normally means they’ve given up — think the reaction to Carrie Bradshaw getting a kitten at the end of Season 2 of And Just Like That. “Has Carrie Bradshaw given it all up to become a cat lady?” and “And just like that, Carrie Bradshaw would become a cat lady” are just some examples of headlines I've read.

What it comes down to is the prevailing notion that a man who loves cats is sweet. He isn’t afraid to show love. He’s displaying his ability to care for a creature that’s weaker than him and somehow that makes him better than other people. Whereas a woman with a cat? Well, she’s just sad.

She doesn’t have a child, so she’s trying to fill the void with a soft, furry animal. Or, she can’t get a man, so instead she got herself a cat. The cat denotes some sort of absence of something, a void that the woman is trying to fill, which ultimately portrays her as unfilled and someone to be pitied.

It’s interesting also the difference in the terminology – “cat dad” vs “cat lady.” The use of the term “dad” suggests someone paternal and caring. Look at this man taking care of this creature – isn’t it adorable how much he loves it? A cat lady though, is different, and I can’t help but think that the absence of a maternal signifier is pointed. A cat lady is so specifically stereotyped as childless, and so the moniker “lady” fits — because she isn’t supposed to be associated with being a mum.

Funnily enough, the same negativity doesn’t seem to apply to women with dogs, who are cast in a far more positive light, usually as outgoing, positive, active and extroverted. In fact, the term often used is “dog mum” — definitely not “dog lady.” Why the difference? Is it simply because dogs are considered friendly and loyal; the more palatable of the two animals? Are we transferring the negative stereotypes of a cat onto their owner — the aloofness, supposed coldness and independence? But why then, does the transference only seem to happen in the case of women?

Of course, there was a time when men who loved cats were considered odd — but the world has seemingly readily discarded this in favour of the “cat dad”, where men who own cats are even considered more desirable. How lovely that he can embrace such a prickly creature — he must have the patience of a saint! And yet, we refuse to move on from the idea that a cat lady is equally desirable.

But maybe we don’t need to. For a lot of self-proclaimed cat ladies (myself included), there’s been a reclamation of the term. Obsessed with our cats? Hell yeah, we are! Going to die surrounded by hundreds of them? Sure, why not? I’d rather that than be around a lot of people. We even have Taylor Swift, queen of the cat ladies.

While reclaiming the term doesn’t undo its sexist and misogynistic underpinnings, nor can it change the wild differences between the perceptions of cat dads and cat ladies, it does snatch a certain power from the term when it’s used as an insult. If it's something we proudly embrace, it can no longer be something that can be wielded against us.