How Many Times Should You Try Again With An Ex?

I truly believe that most of us will wind up in an on again/off again relationship at some point in our lives. Well, unless you're lucky enough to find your person right off the bat. I sure as hell had that one partner I couldn't stop going back to for years.

This ex and I were not compatible. We probably didn't even love each other, to be honest. We never got past the three-month mark of our relationship without a breakup, so I don't think we ever emerged out of the honeymoon period and tried an actual, stable relationship.

We broke up five times across two years.

The first attempt at getting back together felt like the right decision. We'd hastily broken up after a big fight, and the question of "what would this love story look like if we hadn't given up so soon?" was still very much there, blurry on the horizon. But all the subsequent make-ups? I was never sure. I'd go back because I thought I loved this guy, but I was never shocked when it would end again, weeks later.

It's really hard to figure out if going back to an ex (or trying to get them back) is a good idea or not. No one wants to dive into the depths of heartbreak over and over, but it's also really hard to walk away from a relationship you think just might work, this time around.

I chatted to sex and relationships expert Georgia Grace about how exactly we can at least semi-tell when it's time to let go.

The first question Georgia says we need to ask ourselves is why did the relationship end. It's easy to lose sight of the reason one or both of you walked away when you're in the throes of heartache, scrolling through old couple photos while hugging their t-shirt.

So, why did it end? Think not just about the final straw, but what led there – were you fighting all the time? Were you happier, or more unhappy when you were with them? Did someone cheat or behave in a way that was unforgivable at the time, and if so, can you forgive them now?

This should be your first point of call – revisiting the reasons for the breakup.

The second question you need to ask yourself is "has anything changed?" Something led to the demise of your love story, so what would need a rework if you were to try again?

"There are many signs to look out for," Georgia says. "Are both of you actively engaging in new behaviours and committed to doing things differently? Are both parties sorry for what went wrong last time? Are you both taking responsibility? Are you both working to improve communication, to respect each other's boundaries, to ensure you both feel safe?"

These are big, loaded questions, and you might want to ask them to yourself first, then to your ex in person. If you do meet up to discuss whether things have changed, make sure you go in with your eyes open – no expectations. It's easy to enter a chat like that with high hopes, but if you do you're more likely to hear what you want to hear. Not what's actually being said.

If there was a breach of trust in the relationship, you're going to have needs from your partner in order to feel secure going forward. "If trust was broken, you'll need to discuss that," says Georgia.

Missing them is not enough – the old feelings of betrayal and insecurity are likely to resurface, and you'll just be heading straight for more heartbreak. Instead, explain how you feel to your partner. "Share your experience and use sentences that start with 'I'," suggests Georgia.

If the trust broke in the reverse (as in, you broke it), it's important you understand how your ex feels. "Once your partner has shared their side, repeat it back to them reflecting what they just shared to show you’ve heard them and you understand them, saying something like ‘I can understand why you felt that way'."

Like forgetting why you broke up, it's easy to forget the cracks in a relationship when you're knee-deep in tissues and comfort foods. But before you text your ex, really consider whether that relationship was actually working.

"A relationship that doesn't work might look like having the same argument over and over again and nothing changes, or focusing on the potential of the relationship rather than what is currently present. Maybe you’re sticking around because of external pressures like "I should be in a relationship at this age" or "all my friends are getting married," says Georgia.

No relationship is perfect and they all have problems, because hey – we're humans, we can be the worst! But there are problems that can be worked through and ones that can't. If you've tried and tried to make the relationship work and it just isn't working, maybe it's time to let go.

This is a complicated one because a relationship is about the people in it, not outside of it – but that being said, trusted friends usually have your best interests at heart and can often see what we can't see ourselves.

A good way to determine if your friends are seeing something you're not is to ask a few of them and see if their responses align. Also, if what they're saying hits home. For example, they all might feel your ex is untrustworthy, and that might set off a gut feeling you had but weren't accepting.

"It may also help you process emotions, feel connected and safe - you certainly don’t have to go through this on your own," adds Georgia.

Just remember that their opinion should be of assistance to you, not taken to be the exact decision you need to make. "Unless they’re professionals, it’s likely they’ll come with an element of bias and even judgment as they probably (and hopefully) have your best interests at heart."

Now for the hardest question. Do you actually miss this person, or is it just hard going through a breakup? Even the most amicable of splits can suck, and leave you wondering whether returning to something that didn't work is better than being alone (forever, eaten after death by cats).

Fun fact: it's not better. In fact, if I reflect on my own on/off relationship, most of the "on" parts were because I was terrified of jumping back into the dating pool. Good relationships are comfortable, yes – but returning solely for the comfort of someone on the couch next to you, even if you're really not into them at all, is not the right kind of comfort.

If you're bored – get busy. Go on dates, organise time with friends, kiss someone at a party. If you're horny, booty call a hook-up, not an ex. If you're lonely, call a friend in that moment so you don't hit up your ex.

Technically, there is no limit on how many times you should go back to an ex. But there will be within yourself, and this checklist can help you figure that part out. If you do go back to your ex, it's okay. I truly believe sometimes we have to flip-flop in and out of a relationship until it's run its course and we can see that clearly. It's a vulnerable experience either way, but the good news is that everything really will work out for the best, if you do what's right for you and your ex in the moment.