Jonah Hill’s Alleged Texts Prove People Are Getting Boundary Work Backward — & It’s Dangerous

Setting boundaries has been a self-help process supported by psychologists since the mid-'80s — but along with other forms of therapy speak, it's become exceedingly popular in recent years. We've been liberally spouting terms like "boundary setting", "inner child work" and "attachment styles" to describe our day-to-day experiences, and most importantly, diagnose and assert ourselves in our romantic relationships.

But when actor Jonah Hill's ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, recently shared text messages she claimed to have received from Hill during their relationship on her Instagram stories, the slippery (and dangerous) slope of setting boundaries in relationships has become glaringly obvious. Since Brady has spoken out, we've put the term "boundaries" under a critical lens to make sure that, as a society, we really understand what it means. Because if there are more people in relationships who are speaking to their partners the way Hill is accused of doing, we have a big problem on our hands.

In one of the texts, Hill appears to give Brady a list of "boundaries" he requires for a romantic relationship, saying that if she needs to do certain things — including but not limited to "surfing with men", "to model", "to post sexual pictures" and have "friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful" — then he can't be in a relationship with her. Other examples of the alleged texts depict Hill and Brady discussing the removal of some of her Instagram posts due to Hill's disapproval of how she's dressed in them (she's wearing a very standard swimsuit whilst surfing, for context).

But while the majority of people have found the texts and their contents abhorrent, there remains a group of people who can't seem to find fault with them. What we can gather from these responses, is that it's less about people supporting or encouraging abusive language, but actually just not understanding that it is in fact abusive. When someone lays out their "boundaries" in a relationship, we've been taught that this is a good use of therapy speak and a healthy way to assert ourselves.

But it seems that some people have taken this idea way too far, conflating boundaries with coercive control — and more people than you'd think. By allegedly having claimed his issues with his girlfriend's behaviour are about personal boundaries, Hill has positioned himself as being the healthy, respectful and communicative partner we've been taught to value when, really, he's gotten it completely backward by giving the wrong kind of boundaries. And that's potentially a dangerous thing to be projecting.

Like many other relationship or psychological professionals in the past couple of days, sexologist Georgia Grace took to social media to clarify the difference between healthy boundaries and controlling behaviour. According to Grace, healthy boundaries are "actions or limits we're willing to take or set to keep ourselves safe and healthy" and are "based on respect, safety and autonomy". Controlling behaviour, on the other hand, includes "actions imposed on others [regarding] what they can or can't do" and are "based on power, control and manipulation". And the fact that people can't tell the difference between these two things is concerning.

Not only are these kinds of strict and manipulative rules not on, but the "boundaries" Hill is said to have laid out were around behaviours of hers that he considered to be inappropriate for a woman. Namely, posting pictures of herself in a swimsuit and expressing her sexuality in any way — which is blatant sexism and slut-shaming. This is a massive problem in a relationship, where Hill's so-called "conditions" of his commitment to the relationship were born from sexist ideals.

As Respect Victoria tweeted, the texts are "clear examples of gaslighting (another popular therapy speak term) and manipulation, dressed up as boundaries". They demonstrate how muddled and mixed up our therapy language has become, and how vulnerable it is to being weaponised by disrespectful or abusive partners, who are masquerading as being therapeutically aware.

While the benefit of boundaries and other kinds of therapeutic concepts can easily be argued at face value, it is potentially harmful to use them as liberally as we seem to do without the guidance of and context from psychological professionals. And to use them so fervently in our relationships without understanding what they really mean is problematic.

There is also the argument that fundamentally, regardless of interpretation, boundaries are problematic all on their own. As an essentially selfish practice (not that selfishness itself is inherently bad, as it's very often necessary!) in which we put ourselves first, regardless of others, even the healthiest of boundaries can often hurt other people, be misunderstood and harm connections. In saying that, when put to appropriate use, they're widely considered to be a good thing. And it's easy to think of plenty of scenarios where setting a boundary is the best possible thing you can do for yourself and even for others.

So, if you ever wish to use therapy speak and boundary setting to strengthen your individuality, safety and values in any kind of relationship, perhaps consider doing so with proper guidance. And of course, as Brady shared on her Instagram stories, if you're dating someone who says the kinds of things that echo Hill's alleged words, you might very well want to take a step back and evaluate what they're really saying.