“We Kissed Forever” — 7 Women Share Their First Time Having Sex With A Woman

Stories of people losing their virginity are often pretty predictable in a heterosexual situation — a bit of blood, an abrupt finish, subpar aftercare. In the wonderful world of queer sex, however, losing one’s virginity is widely a varied experience. Lesbian sex is anything but homogenous, and seven women and non-binary folk — who identify as being lesbian, bisexual, bicurious, queer, pansexual or heteroflexible — tell Refinery29 Australia about their first times having sex with a woman.

When she was around 25, Rhiannon* decided to jump on a dating app in pursuit of finding a woman she could have casual sex with. What followed was an eye-opening experience that ultimately led her to realise she was a lesbian. 

“We kissed forever, grinding on the sofa,” Rhiannon, now 30, says. “I ran my fingers through her hair, over her ears, down the nape of her neck, across her spine, along her hips — everywhere. I loved the smell of her, she let me take my time.”

She’d had sex with 15 or so men before this, and the one hope she held was that she’d “sincerely want to do it”. “So many times I'd had sex before when I really didn't want to when I could feel how my body was not responding to the other person. I wanted to feel that want and that ache… and I did. It met my expectation in how excited and engaged I was to do it.”

For 31-year-old Dylan,* her first time was with her cousin’s best friend when she was 21 and in Dublin. “We were two sluts sharing sexual escapade stories,” she says. “We locked eyes and I said, ‘I have never slept with a girl before, but I have always wanted to’ and she said [the] same and it was on.

“I have now slept with multiple different gender identities, and I love, love, love sex with non-men,” Dylan says, adding that her definition of lesbian is someone who doesn’t have sex with cis men. "I love the intensity, the playfulness, I love the messiness and how it’s so wet and wild. It is the most fun, intense and authentic space for me and makes me so deeply happy.”

When Aya was 27, she had her first lesbian experience. The now 30-year-old was on a second Tinder date with a woman more experienced than her. “On our second date, she made me dinner and then [we] retreated to the bedroom for a movie,” she shares.

“Things quickly escalated from kissing to finger stuff. I came really fast. But then I had more capacity to touch her body and she was really good at telling me what felt good. I don’t think it was so satisfying for her, but she gave me space to explore.”

Aya’s experience of feeling underprepared or unsure isn’t uncommon, either. Rhiannon shares she “felt a bit lost” at times during sex. “I spent so much of my energy wrangling with… my past sexual experiences [where] I was often faking my pleasure and waiting for things to be over. I couldn't get it out of my mind that she may be feeling that way and not telling me.”

21-year-old Quinn’s* first time having sex was with a girl when they were both teenagers. “It was perfect in that it was awkward and strange and we were both just teenagers learning intimacy for the first time. I honestly feel so grateful that my first sexual experience was with a woman because she made me feel so safe and confident,” they recall.

“It also meant that my first understanding of sex wasn't centred around pleasing a man or even around penetration,” Quinn says. “I didn't watch porn as a teenager and my only erotic thoughts were from sex scenes in books and daydreams in my mind. I think this allowed me to go into the experience not feeling pressure for it to look any certain way.”

Curiosity, safety and playfulness were recurring themes in many of these women’s stories. Aya has had sex with men and women since her first lesbian encounter, and she says she “definitely enjoy[s] sex with women more as it feels more vulnerable and safe”. “Having sex with men feels [like] a means to an end… where with women it feels more like a journey of giv[ing] and tak[ing].”

Within the last year, 24-year-old Emma* had sex with a woman for the first time, an experience that was “incredibly positive and reaffirming”. “Having sex with a man after was extremely lacklustre, partly because I think I am discovering I have a preference for women in regards to my sexuality, but also because I do believe women can find that next level of intimacy between each other that I have maybe been searching for in sex with men.”

Despite the gooey love stories and the ‘urge to merge’ stereotypes, lesbian sex doesn’t have to end in astonishing revelations; it can also just be fun. Last year, 29-year-old Elly* decided to entertain her bi-curiosity. “An old flame of mine (and hers!) wanted to have a threesome… After learning we didn't want to give him what he wanted (he’s such a player) we went on a few dates and got to know each other,” she says. 

The pair, who now consider each other friends, had a night of pizza and cocktails before heading back to one of their places. “She was so respectful and slow and always asking me if I was okay with things,” Elly says. “As much as I enjoyed myself, and had a wonderful first experience and felt so safe and respected, I guess I just kind of didn't feel what I feel with men.” 

29-year-old Wendy* had her first female experience after a man she was seeing suggested a threesome with another woman, something Wendy had on her bucket list. As someone who previously had crushes on women but never acted on them, she felt like a threesome would be an ideal entry point for her journey. “And for me it really was! [She] and I were much more focused on each other than anyone else in the room. Neither of us had been with a woman before so it was very gentle and kind,” she says. “It felt very safe and playful like we were both fumbling through something together.”

Since then, Wendy has continued to predominanty sleep with men but has slept with a few more women in other group sex situations. The sexuality label she feels most comfortable with is heteroflexible. “I love having fun and sensual times with multiple bodies, regardless of gender. I haven’t ruled out future solo encounters with women though, [I’m] very open to it.” 

Speaking about her first time, Dylan says she “had no idea it was gonna change [her] life”. When Aya reflects on her current two-year relationship with a woman, she says she’s “really grateful” she’s been able to create a “safe space” for her partner, as this is the first same-sex relationship she’s been in. 

Emma recognises the impact her queer sexual rendezvous have had on her. “Ever since I have further explored… my sexuality and my interest in women, I have experienced an insane increase in self-confidence,” she says. “I think feeling safe and secure in my sexual relationships with women has been a lot more life-changing than I ever could have predicted.”

Sapphic sex can be “wet and wild” (according to Dylan), “gentle and kind” (according to Wendy) and “awkward and strange” (according to Quinn). It’s a spectrum of lust and nerves, of pleasure and exploration.