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Oh my WOW! It's episode 33 of Married At First Sight Australia! It's the FINAL COMMITMENT CEREMONY! THE FINAL ONE! THE LAST ONE! NO ONE'S AFTER THIS! I AM ALMOST FREE!
We start with Sara and Tim who are all giddy as shit over each other. But that's enough positivity! Get outta here! Because we soon check in with all the couples, who collectively talk shit about how cooked Jayden is. But Jayden reckons he's done allllllll these things for Eden (everything but validate her anxiety, I guess). We watch Jayden yap on again and again, and Eden airs that she's anxious to have any disagreements with him. It's actually kind of concerning to watch, especially as Jayden is like, "I'M A FIXER! I NEED TO SHARE THINGS WITH OTHER PEOPLE! IT'S COMMUNICATION!"
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Eden aptly says that Jayden won't let up unless she agrees with him, so it always seems like she's shutting down conversations. Jayden keeps saying that Eden wants to "get out of" things and I'm like, out of what bruh? She's clearly on the verge of an anxiety attack. Leave her alone???
We then get a montage of everyone getting ready for the final commitment ceremony and Jono reckons his feelings for Lauren are "really strong". (Sure, mate.) Lauren shares in a confessional that she's been cheated on in the past so it's hard for her to open up to people, but she realises that she needs a "nice guy" like Jono and that he's a "great person". I can't deal with this level of foreshadowing, oh god.
Then, FINALLY, the next cheating scandal is on the brink of exploding. Apparently, Tori has been given information about a couple on the experiment, and it looks like she's ready to bring it out into the open during this ceremony. Okay Tori, go off. Viewers are left wondering who it will be about, but if you ask me, things are looking a little bit too peachy between Jono and Lauren.
Do Up Your Buttons, Jayden
Everyone files in for the commitment ceremony and John tells everyone it's the LAST ONE! Hooooorayyyyy!!!
Jayden and Eden are up first on the couch, and I already feel sick watching them. Eden explains that Jayden goes around in circles and doesn't hear what she's saying, and he's there, with his nips almost out and a little pouty face going on, with big baby energy radiating off him. Jayden reckons when he tries to bring his feelings up, it's not being addressed, and Eden lets him know that she doesn't want to have those conversations because she doesn't "have a voice" in the relationship. Yikes. Sara says "shit" under her breath, and we are all Sara in this moment.
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It takes Expert John telling him that Eden's reality is real before he will actually start listening. Well.. kind of. Sassy Johnny calls Jayden's fight style "toxic" and this is where Jayden starts really leaning into his big baby persona, actively disagreeing with the experts, pouting some more, and talking like a little robot. Mel tells him he needs to "overlisten" and not "overcommunicate" and Jayden's like, "well, I disagree! So there!" He starts rattling on more and getting so defensive to the point that Mel tells him he's being "childish". Hell yeah, get him, Mel! For once, we cut to Jack and I am happy to see his face over this guy's mug.
Then, oh god no, we get the little twinkly music. NO. You can NOT twinkly music with this bloke!!! We get Jayden's spiel, saying that he's trying not to let Eden down and that he feels like a "failure" in the relationship and someone, please, save me from this shit. They start saying they want to spend their lives together, but I'm still looking at them like :|. Make it stop. They both write 'STAY' but thankfully, the experiment is almost over so I won't need to see Jayden for much longer. And that, my friends, is the real win of this relationship.
A Quick Palette Cleanse With Jade & Ridge
Jade and Ridge are up on the couch next and they say every thing went peachy keen during Homestays Week for the most part, but Jade's mum and sister were worried about Ridge not being able to become a stepdad, and Jade getting hurt. Jade is scared about how much she likes Ridge and is worried about him leaving, but Ridge is like, "we're all deece, bruh".
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He says he likes her and thinks about her all the time, and it's cute as a button. Then he says that he's falling in love with Jade, and damn, Jade and Ridge are the couple of the season! Who woulda thunk?! Unsurprisingly, they both write 'STAY' — and this might be the first couple I think is actually going to work on the outside.
I Am But A Child Of Divorce
Mum and Dad are up next, and I've missed Lucinda and Tim sooo much. While the two of them may have made up in the last episode, there's still a lot brewing between these two, with Lucinda saying she felt unwelcome at Homestays Week. She says she felt rejected by Tim gallivanting around with his friend and not returning home. Tim admits that he should have told Lucinda, but explains that he wasn't in the best emotional headspace going into the week.
Tim understands that Lucinda loves the feelings, but the more she digs into them, the more he retreats. I know an avoidant attachment style when I see it! But Lucinda is really disheartened and says that the two of them haven't been able to get close and that Tim doesn't feel chemistry with her. Oh god, they're breaking up, aren't they?
Lucinda says she's held the "lantern of hope" for them and says that the parts where he's been vulnerable with her have been so beautiful, and Tim marvels at how supportive and patient she is with him. He says he wouldn't change his match, and that being with her has been great. Then it's decision time, and I have to deal with the fact that after all this time, it's over between Lucinda and Timothy. Mum and Dad. E mamma e papà.
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Lucinda recites a poem for him essentially saying that she's outtie and he was a bit shit, but in the kindest way possible. She writes 'LEAVE' and then, of course, Timothy also writes 'LEAVE', adding that Lucinda has taught him a lot and that they'll always be in each other's lives. And that's the end of Lucinda and Timothy. I'm crying. I can't. I am a child of divorce.
Lucinda says she's going to love the shit out of herself outside the experiment and hopes that her DMs are filled with messages from potential suitors. Get in her inbox!!! Now!!!
Remember When Everyone Hated These Two LOL
Tim and Sara are next and they look SO LOVED UP. Tim says Sara's been trying a lot, but ultimately, his trust in her hasn't been 100% patched up, though they have a mutual respect and appreciation for each other. Sara says that she only cares about winning Tim over but if it changes everyone else's view on their relo, that's a plus.
Then, just as quickly as they sat down, we're at decision time, with Tim and Sara both writing 'STAY'. Fascinating how when you're in a good place, you only get two minutes of screen time.
The 8-Minute Bang That Changed Everything
Tori and Jack are next up, and yes, they banged, everyone! For eight whole minutes! They both say they've become a lot closer since the Great Bonking, with Tori saying that she "could fall in love with Jack". Oh god, no. Jack says the "feeling is mutual" and we're all like... yeah, righto.
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It's not long before we start focusing on Tori saying that she wouldn't be mates with anyone from the group, and she explains that she doesn't feel like she has anyone in her corner. She starts getting emotional, and it's shit to see, honestly. But everyone says that they all have her back and care for her while she sits on the couch crying. Tori says she wishes her judgement of Jack's character could be trusted.
It's not long before Alessandra calls on Lauren's expert commentary. Lauren says that she hasn't seen Tori react against any of the cooked shit that Jack has done. Jack interjects and says there's a lot of focus on the negatives and not the positives, but the two of them say they're in the best place they've ever been in. Lauren, of course, rolls her eyes. It's decision time and Jack writes 'STAY'. Unsurprisingly, Tori also writes 'STAY'.
Ellie & Jono Sitting In A Tree
Then it's showtime, baby! Tori's big secret is about Lauren and Jono, and we've all seen the headlines. We all know what's coming. And damn, are we ready?!
Lauren starts saying that the two of them are really really really really really good. Like, they're in suuuuuuch a good place. Tori looks at them like she's about to eat them, oscillating between giving them death stares and blatantly laughing at Jono who is marvelling over Lauren.
Lauren tells everyone that the two of them boinked, Tori wants to spew, and then IT'S HAPPENING. Tori tells everyone that she got some information that day and the information is this:
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JONO.
HAS.
BEEN.
TEXTING.
ELLIE.
Yes, Ellie, who was married to Ben. Oh, shiiiiiiit.
"We're Just The Bestest Best Buds Ever", Says Jono About Ellie
Lauren is SHOCKED and immediately starts crying. Jono says that he messages a lot of people (like Stephen and Michael, two gay guys). He explains that Ellie reached out to him... and continues to do so every three to four days. But don't worry! She's only reaching out to see how the commitment ceremonies went and if he's still with Lauren! So, it's all good! Nothing to see here!
Jono maintains that Ellie is not her type and that there's nothing there — which we alllllllll know is bullshit. If anything, this is better to watch with the knowledge that *SPOILER WARNING* Jono and Ellie have since been papped gallivanting around Sydney, smooching up a storm over beaches and brunches.
Lauren says that Ellie's got plenty of friends and her messages are simply trying to vibe what's going on between the couple and possibly jump on in there. Jono says that Ellie is "funny", which is funny. He says that they're just friends. Just best best best buddies. Just mates! No touchie! Just laugh!
But John watches him and is like "nahhhhh, that's not it". He says, the fact that all the women on the couches cringed says there's something wrong with that behaviour. Tori says she doesn't get the vibe that Ellie is just a friend.
DUMP HIM AT THE ALTAR, LAUREN
Lauren explains that she's been in this situation before with cheating, and says that this is how it always started. She explains that she's felt like a fool in the past with other women messaging her long-term partner, and it's all very triggering for her.
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Jono says he's "really, really sorry" but Lauren is like, "wtf, why are you having sex with me while messaging another girl?!" He reckons he feels horrible and Lauren says it's not good enough.
Then we move on to the decision, with Jono writing 'STAY', and Lauren also writing 'STAY'. She reiterates that she wrote that before she knew about the situation, and I am begging her to write leave at the final vows and dump his ass at the altar. It would be the only logical thing to do.
What will be interesting is if Jono is dragged through the mud just as Sara was, because, at this point, I can already see a vast difference in how this cheating scandal is treated versus how Sara's cheating scandal was. Funny that...
John puts us out of our misery, saying that was the last commitment ceremony, before telling us that we have the final vows on the horizon, where we'll find out whether their relos will make it to the real world. Tomorrow night, we've got the final dinner party of the experiment, featuring honesty boxes and a fiery Lauren. Hell YES. GET HIM!
WTF Moment:
"Don't worry babe, Ellie is just texting me every three days to check if we're still together in the experiment. We're just friends!"
Couple Of The Episode:
Jade and Ridge! Let's goooooooo!
MVP:
Lucinda, for her iconic 'LEAVE' essay. A queen, forevermore.
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