MAFS Recap 2024 Episode 34: Jono Texts Ellie 100+ Times Bc They’re Just Really Really Really Good Mates

My friends! My fellow comrades! We're there! It's the final dinner party of the 2024 season of Married At First Sight Australia and I'm legitimately terrified and simultaneously jumping for joy at the prospect of Jono being exposed for cheating. Let's goooooo!

We kick off the episode with everyone talking smack about Jono and his cheating revelations that he's been texting former bride Ellie. It's wonderful to see, really. Tori is giddy because she's like, you've been coming for ME when you've been doing THIS? It's a lovely role reversal.

We cut to Lauren who's devo about the texting, reiterating that she's been cheated on in the past. We get a beautiful montage of all the times Ellie and Jono have been veeerrrryyyyy supportive of each other, before Lauren asks Jono to look through his phone and the messages they've been sending to each other.

She starts scrolling and I'm begging them to pause and zoom in so I can see the messages, too. All I'm saying is that there is A LOT of blue and very lengthy paragraphs. Jono reckons he made a stupid decision, and Laurens says that he's made about 100 of 'em. And in not a single ONE has Lauren been mentioned. The audacity!!! I'm begging someone to rake him through the coals just as everyone did with Sara, please.

Jono reckons he can't remember messaging Ellie in Perth, which was only one week ago. Someone get his memory checked! Lauren thinks he could have been messaging her while she was in surgery, which, if true, is absolutely cooked. Fuck your nice guy act Jono!

As though this episode is going to be a total clusterfuck, we cut to Jade and Ridge, who I guess are meant to be the successful couple of this season. Jade says she needs to know that Ridge is a MAN not a BOY and is capable of actually being a stepdad to her kid. They look hottttt and leave the room to head to the dinner party.

We get a brief intermission with Sara and Tim giggling and loving each other lots, before we cut to Tori looking hot as hell in a red lip. She's giving femme fatale and I'm loving it. Lauren looks like she's going to rip Jono's head off, and he has the audacity to say that Lauren has weaponised innocent text messages! INNOCENT! AFTER THOSE PAP PHOTOS! Turns out, seeing those photos might have actually added to this viewing experience, because we all know Jono is full of shit in every word that he says.

Then it's DINNER PARTY TIME! WE ARE ABOUT TO EAT, FAM. Tori and Jack are in first, clearly glowing from Jono's demise. As if Expert John is reading my mind, he draws attention to when other people like Jack do shitty things, they're launched at. But when Jono does it, everyone is like... meh!

Eden and Jayden arrive, and my eyes glaze over at the prospect of needing to look at his face again. Then, Queen Lauren comes in by herself and all the girls look peachy with her. What happened to the Tori/Lauren rivalry? Or are they now bonded together because of Jono's shit behaviour?

Lauren tells everyone there weren't just a few messages; there were over 100! She gives more deets about the type of messages they were sending and Lauren says that she joked about Jono running off with Ellie early in the experiment. Women's intuition, I tell ya!

Then, Jono ARRIVES. He says hello to everyone BUT Lauren, and that's a bold choice for someone who's clearly fucked up. We watch them ignore each other as Jono tries to act chummy with everyone while Lauren acquaints herself with some wine, and damn, you can cut the tension with a knife. I'm almost glad for it because it's royally pissed Lauren off, so we're set for a great dinner party, really.

Then we get ding ding dinged, and dinner is served. Let the games begin.

Jono maintains that he's just an innocent little baby and Lauren is just being dramatic, and I'm begging for people to draaaaag him. They start with raising a glass, and Sara cheers for Jono texting Ellie. Beautiful, stunning.

Jono starts kicking off. He says:

- Jono texted Ellie, she didn't text him first (even though he said she had).
- The first message was asking if she got home okay (?).
- He's spoken to six or seven people after the experiment.
- He can't belieeeeeeve this is such a big deal.
- Jono reckons there are only 50 messages between the two of them (and he messages Stephen more!!!).
- Ellie has joked about Jono being old.
- He thought Ellie would have known when her birthday is.
- He thinks Ellie is good looking but there's nothing going on between them.
- He does not apologise.

After his yadda yadda-ing, Tori brings to the table that Jono said he would have loved to have been matched with Ellie. Wow. Colour me surprised. He tries to play this off by saying that it was when he and Lauren were fighting, and I can't believe this man is still trying to act like he's innocent.

Jono conveniently doesn't remember the discussion (again) and says the whole thing was innocent. Lauren looks at him like she's gotten the biggest ick that's ever been icked, and just as she looks like she's going to rip his head off, the honesty boxes come out.

Immediately, the questions start. Sara says she regrets not giving Tim more of a chance at the beginning. Then Tim asks if she's falling in love with him — she says that she can see that happening if things continue positively. Hooray!

Then the shitty questions start: Does Tim believe Sara is over her ex? After the longest pause ever, Tim says it's still in the back of his head, but he believes she's over him and that he can trust him. Alright, that's cute. When asked if he's falling in love with her, Tim says he's got a "little thang" for her and the crowd goes wild.

The next box is for Jack and Tori. Ughhhhhhh. There's a couple of boring questions with Tori saying she's infatuated with him and that she's anxious about being in a long-distance relo with him. Tori says she could fall in love with Jack, and admits that she's never been in love with anyone before. Jack reckons this is because he hadn't met her yet.

Then it's Jack's turn. He says that he didn't initially have a sexual connection to her but that kicked in a month ago, then says that last week he was at a 9.5/10 and now they "align in the bedroom". Everyone's faces are like hmmm, nah. Jack then says that he's not in love with Tori but he COULD be falling for her. I'm confused as to why it's such a big deal because it's in line with what everyone else has been saying? Meh.

Then it's Jade and Ridge's time. Jade starts saying lots of nice things about Ridge, then he goes and ruins it by letting out a big guttural moan. Jade loses it and says that she's not going to say nice things if he does that, and oh my GOD, is this awkward.

Jade says that she's unsure about his maturity levels and Ridge explains that he does weird loud moans because it's his way of saying that he's in it with her. We need a translator for Ridge's noises and moans, please. He says more nice things to her and she's like, alright whatever, you're forgiven.

Jade asks him if he's ready to be a stepdad, he says he is 100% and he's keen to be that person for her daughter. Then he says he'd move to the Gold Coast in three months. Hooray to the peachy couple, but also move on now because I want to see Lauren obliterate Jono.

FINALLY, as if they're reading my mind, it's Jono and Lauren's turn. It's already a clusterfuck, with Jono tasked with saying what he likes about Lauren (her energy), what he doesn't like (her argument style), his biggest regret (texting Ellie, not because it's wrong but because it hurt Lauren), whether he would have kept texting Ellie if Lauren didn't know (yes), whether Lauren is her life partner (at the moment, no... but no shit, mate).

Then Jono starts saying that Lauren went off at him and starts saying actually, it's Lauren's fault that she's upset! That's when everyone starts losing it. Everyone is begging for him to just say he's sorry, but for some reason, he just won't do it.

Then it's time for Jono's question, with Lauren OBLITERATING him. She calls him a snake, says she needs more honesty, he doesn't live up to her expectations, he throws her under the bus, etc etc etc. She asks him why he initiated sex with her if he wasn't loyal, and Jono hears her question, doesn't answer her, and tries to move on with the honesty box questions. Ew. Gross.

Finally, Lauren asks if he has feelings for Ellie. He says he doesn't, and Lauren calls bullshit. Ridge is just like lol, I can't wait for the reunion (same, babes), and we all know it's going to be a DOOZY with the knowledge of this relationship now. Foresight truly is a beautiful thing.

Unfortunately, it's time to move on from Lauren and Jono. Jono reiterates that he has no plans to see Ellie outside the experiment, and everyone, let's all just have a good chortle at this!!!

It's Jayden and Eden up next and straight away, Jayden drops the big L bomb at Eden and they say they love each other. This would be cute except every time I see Jayden's face, I feel immeasurable anger. Get him OFF my TV!!!

Thankfully, the MAFS overlords listen to me and the episode ends right there. Thank you, MAFS gods!

Next episode (which is airing on Sunday night, FYI), we've got the final vows, featuring Lauren obliterating Jono and a potential blindside from Jack. Yikes. It's almost done, and at this point, I am ITCHING for the reunion.

JONO. WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT.

I refuse to give it to Jayden and Eden on premise, so this episode, it goes to Tim and Sara.

Lauren!!!! Eat him alive!!!!