What To Do When Your Partner Has A Sexual Dysfunction, According To Sexologist Chantelle Otten

Sexual dysfunction — both physical and mental — can be a sensitive topic for many people. It's not always easy to know how to deal with it — and this is true not just for the person who's experiencing the issue, but also for their sexual partners. Learning how to be a compassionate partner is important, whether you're having sex with someone who has a sexual dysfunction for the first time, or if your long-term partner/s develops an issue during a relationship.

Diana, 24, had been with her girlfriend, Lee, 23, for three years before Lee developed secondary vaginismus — a condition where any kind of penetration (even inserting a tampon) can cause extreme pain and/or muscular resistance. "It kind of came out of nowhere," Diana tells Refinery29 Australia. "Lee had some trauma in the past that we think might have contributed to her issue, but the actual time that her vaginismus came up in her life was quite unexpected, especially because we'd had three years of relatively uncomplicated sex."

Diana knows firsthand how difficult it can be to navigate this topic, and how easy it is to feel frustrated or like your sexual needs aren't being met. "But ultimately, you're not the one who's suffering the most," Diana says. "Your needs are important, yes, but your partner's health and well-being — both physical and mental — should be your top priority. They're hurting, and despite how it may feel sometimes, you're not actually gonna die from a lack, or reduction, of sex. It's important to remember that your partner is struggling with their own emotions and feelings of inadequacy on top of their sexual issue, which is just heartbreaking."

So, what do we actually do when our partner has or develops a sexual dysfunction, and how can we be better, more compassionate sexual partners for them? Refinery29 Australia spoke to renowned Melbourne-based sexologist Chantelle Otten, who has just released her first Audible Original podcast 'Sex Therapy', to find out.

Practising consent should always be number one," Otten states. "We need to make sure that we respect their boundaries and our own, and don't pressure them into doing anything that they don't want to do."

While verbal consent is always required, when someone is experiencing sexual dysfunction during sex, it can be confusing and overwhelming, making it harder for them to form the right words — because of this, better gauging your partner's nonverbal cues is a skill you need to learn.

"Sometimes, a sexual partner will be telling you it's okay, but it's probably not," Otten says. "But if you're being more aware of their body language, facial expressions and vocalisation, you can try to gauge their level of pleasure and their comfortability, and then make adjustments."

"We never want anyone to feel uncomfortable in a sexual scenario with us, so if they're feeling discomfort or pain during sex, you need to stop and check in with them and say, what else could we do instead, or, maybe let's give this a miss today."

As with any issue in a relationship, communication is key. And when you're dealing with your partner's sexual dysfunction, perhaps for the first time (and even after a while), using your words is going to be super important. If you're new to each other especially, make sure you're building up trust by being open and empathetic when they disclose an issue to you.

"I think one of the main problems with sexual concerns coming up in the bedroom is that they can take you by surprise," Otten says. "People can take things very personally, especially in sexual situations where your partner can't finish or get an erection, or just isn't having a good time. And then we can say things that are not very nice and not appropriate because we don't know how to react."

Demonstrating empathy, avoiding blame and not guilting your partner is crucial, especially in the first days, weeks or even months of a sexual dysfunction appearing or occurring. This is going to be an especially difficult and confronting time for your partner, so being compassionate and communicative — and giving them the space to also speak their mind — is important.

"We just have to be mindful of the fact that we are all human," Otten says. "And we have to be communicating openly and honestly with partners about how a sexual dysfunction might be affecting the relationship."

Avoid putting pressure on your partner to immediately "fix" the problem, and instead, focus on finding ways to work together to make sex more enjoyable and comfortable for both of you. That might mean just being comfortable having less or no sex for a while.

"First and foremost, be kind to yourself," Otten urges. "Just be patient, and take things slow. Some things have permanent changes, some things do not, and we have the opportunity to look at sex in a different way and really focus on pleasure and connection."

Taking things slow and being gentle can mean engaging more with non-sexual forms of intimacy, such as cuddling or kissing, and gradually working your way up to more intimate activities.

Speaking of intimate activities, your partner's sexual dysfunction might mean that the way you think about and actually have sex might need to change. Sex is just one type of intimacy, and there are many other ways to connect with your partner.

If sex as you know it is no longer a safe or good option, but your partner is still open to being sexually active, try exploring new forms of sexual expression that are comfortable for both of you.

"I think there's always a way to have good sex — it's just not always what we typically anticipate," Otten says. "Just being a little bit more creative and open-minded is always a good idea." This might mean experimenting with different positions, trying new types of stimulation, or using sex toys.

"Expand your view of what sex actually is," Otten recommends. "Focus on mutual pleasure, not just about achieving penetration and orgasm. Remember that sex is about taking time to explore each other's bodies and find out what feels good."

It's important to approach these activities with an open mind and a willingness to try new things. Remember, the goal is to make sex more enjoyable and comfortable for both of you, not to put pressure on your partner to perform.

This is your opportunity to proactively try to understand your partner's specific issue, without putting pressure on them to explain things they might not even fully understand themselves. Educate yourself on your partner's specific situation so you can better understand what they're going through, and what you can do to be more supportive.

"Even as a woman where this is a common issue, my knowledge about vaginismus, pelvic floor pain and dyspareunia in general was super limited," Diana says, adding that she has always been lucky enough to have no sexual dysfunction herself. "While Lee was working on her condition in a practical sense, I went on a deep dive into secondary vaginismus and found out as much as I could about what was actually happening to her body. It helped me get into her head just a little bit more, and helped both of us much."

If you don't know where to start, there are always going to be plenty of resources available online that can provide you with information about different types of sexual dysfunction, as well as tips for how to work around them.

If your partner's sexual dysfunction is causing significant distress or impacting your relationship, it may be time to seek professional help.

"Think about how much it's taking up your brain space," Otten says. "Is it impacting your quality of life? Are you distressed by it? Is your partner distressed by it? And if so, I definitely think seeing a sexologist is the best way to go, or whoever your primary medical practitioner is for whatever concern you're experiencing as well."

It's important to approach the idea of seeking professional advice with empathy and understanding. Make sure to express your concern and support for your partner, and avoid making them feel like they are "broken" or inadequate — there's never any shame in asking for help.

It can be easy to take your partner's sexual dysfunction personally, but it's important to remember that it's probably not about you. Sexual dysfunctions are medical conditions, and aren't a reflection of your attractiveness or desirability as a partner. At the same time, be willing and humble enough to take on any responsibility you might have in the situation, and be open to the ways you can both change.

It's important to be supportive and understanding of your partner's struggles and to avoid making them feel guilty or ashamed for something that is out of their control. By approaching the situation with compassion and empathy, you can help your partner feel more comfortable and supported, and strengthen your relationship in the process.

The ultimate goal is to make sex more enjoyable and comfortable for both of you despite a sexual dysfunction, and if you really commit to working on it together and supporting each other, it'll go a long way in getting you there.

Chantelle Otten’s Audible Original podcast Sex Therapy covers this topic and many others, and is available for free to listen to here.