Bringing Both My Partners Home At Christmas Is…Complicated

Christmas is kind of a sucky time to be single. Endless Instagram posts with smug couples at Christmas parties, the fact that Christmas movies seem to really hate single people: it’s all stacked up against you if you don’t have a partner. But for polyamorous folks, the holiday season presents a whole different set of challenges.

I’m in what’s known as a throuple. The easiest way to explain this is to say it’s a couple but with three people instead of two. We’ve been together as a throuple for three years so this isn’t our first Christmas, but every year we seem to run into new challenges. Last year, we weren’t 'out' to our families and ended up in the weird situation of having to keep our relationship secret over the festive period.

This year, our families know about us and are wonderfully supportive so we get to enjoy sending presents as a three for the first time. But one of my partners isn’t out at work and because of the industry he works in, possibly never will be. This makes for a tricky situation when it comes to Christmas parties. His colleagues know he isn’t single but they don’t know he has two partners. Inevitably, someone gets left out in the proverbial cold.

We’re lucky to be able to navigate these issues from the solid footing of a committed relationship. For polyamorous people in newer or more casual dynamics, or who are actively dating as an individual (this is sometimes called solo polyamory), things get even more complicated.

"Diaries are a nightmare," says 34-year-old Hayley*, who works in advertising and began exploring polyamory at the start of 2022. "Diaries can be difficult to coordinate at the best of times but add in work dos, family engagements and all the extra friend meet-ups and, suddenly, saying something like 'How does three Tuesdays from now work?' feels like a regular occurrence for trying to arrange a date."

Hayley uses Feeld, a dating app aimed at polyamorous folks, to meet new potential dates. She says that this becomes really difficult at this time of year and diary clashes, along with her own time constraints, sometimes put people off. "I’ve had a number of people responding saying I seem too busy for them."

Knowing how to prioritise different partners really comes to the fore at this time of year, too. Hayley says that her polycule (a group of people in a polyamorous dynamic) are all friendly and spend time together regularly so arranging things like Christmas drinks or a festive meal is easier. Some decisions have involved more soul-searching. "We’ve had to be more explicit in terms of when we’re seeing each other, and it’s made communication more important."

Harry*, a 29-year-old polyamorous man, agrees that the holidays create a lot of dating challenges and can often exasperate feelings of jealousy. "I had a quite new partner – I think we’d been on three or four dates at this point – get upset because I couldn’t come to their work Christmas quiz with them because it clashed with an event I was attending with my partner of two years." Communication is key in these situations, as is self-analysis. "Really, you just have to ask yourself what your priorities are. Even in non-hierarchical polyamory, obviously, you can’t be in two places at once. You have to compromise and, for me, having partners who are willing to do that too is really important."

Leanne Yau is the founder of Polyphilia blog, an educational resource for polyamory. She explains that, for her, the main challenge is that her parents only recognise the partner she lives with, insisting on calling her other partners 'friends'. "I have to perform great amounts of emotional labour around extended family who don’t know I’m queer or polyamorous," says Leanne.

Although polyamory is becoming more widely talked about, it’s still far from the norm, with around 1.4% of Australians saying they’re in some form of open relationship. Because of this, a lot of polyamorous folks end up hiding this part of their life from family and loved ones for fear that they won’t understand or accept them. 

At the same time, the holidays can throw up a lot of heteronormative and monogamy-focused expectations, which can be difficult for polyamorous people, especially those who are navigating the waters of non-monogamy for the first time. The holidays are usually thought of as a time for family – and not just any family but a traditional, monogamy-focused family. There are no Christmas movies featuring a polycule putting up their Christmas tree or a throuple opening presents on Christmas morning. Polyamorous people don’t have many decent cultural references to guide them at the best of times; during the holidays, this is even more true.

For polyamorous people with what’s sometimes called a nesting partner (a partner you live with or who is your primary partner), this time of year is easier, says Leanne, than it is for solo poly people like Harry. It’s easy to bring a partner you live with to a family event, for example, and it might not feel necessary to mention more casual partners to your parents or colleagues.

But what happens if, for example, you just started dating two people at around the same time and you don’t know who to bring to that work event or Christmas lunch with your friends? This is a key challenge for polyamorous people. Doing Christmas things together might represent a big step in a relationship for a monogamous couple but they don’t have to make an additional choice about who to do these things with.

"It can be very easy for someone to feel isolated or that they’re not cared for or loved. And, actually, quite invalidated," says Leanne. "External validation – from friends, family etc. – that’s a very powerful way for people to demonstrate their commitment to each other."

So how can a polyamorous person avoid alienating or upsetting one or more of their partners during the holidays? Leanne has some advice. "I think if someone can’t be out in one setting, you can try to make it up to a partner by including them somewhere else. For example, by introducing them to friends."

Leanne also says to remember that Christmas can be whatever you make it. You don’t have to be tied down to the expected way of doing things. "Christmas is just an arbitrary holiday. You can celebrate on other days too."

Harry agrees. "I hosted a big Christmas meal for my queer polycule but we did it in November because after that diaries were getting complex," he says. "One of the great things about polyamory, actually, is having that community. Just having more people around you and being together and doing whatever you want. In polyamory, you get to make your own rules. And you can do that at this time of the year, too. If you look at it like that, it can be really freeing."