What Does It Mean To Be Demisexual? We Asked A Sexologist

In an age where casual dating and one-night stands are the norms and we're all a lot more in tune with our sexual desires, having sex only with people you really like, have a crush on or even love can sound like an antiquated idea to some.

Of course, there are plenty of us who would certainly prefer to only have sex with people we feel emotionally connected to. In fact, you may have walked away from some lousy, unfulfilling casual sexual encounters and decided then and there that you only want to pursue people you're really interested in.

But for many people, even if we feel this way, our sexuality and our ability to be sexually attracted to someone we don't know isn't affected by this. Many people can still see a total stranger and feel a sexual pull or attraction towards them even if they don't know them, or know if they even like them yet. But for those who identify as demisexual, this isn't the case.

The term was coined in 2006 by a member of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) to describe their personal experience with sexual attraction. The term caught on with other AVEN members and it quickly became popular across the globe online. In the early 2010s, a demisexuality flag was officially designed and launched.

The popularised definition of demisexuality, as explained by sexologist Georgia Grace, "refers to anyone who can only experience sexual attraction to someone when an emotional bond or connection has been formed". Put simply, only after a demisexual has established some kind of relationship with someone can they feel sexually attracted to them.

And the nature of this bond or connection doesn't just have to be your typical crush or romantic bond. "The word 'bond' is incredibly subjective," Grace explains. "The bond a demisexual might make with someone prior to sexual attraction may be romantic and it may be love, but it may also be safety, or feeling like they've connected with this person on an intellectual or spiritual level. It's so individual, and it will be different for every single person."

An important distinction to make when it comes to demisexuality is that demisexuals are not simply abstaining from sex until specific criteria have been met or they meet a person of a particular type. It means that sexual desire or attraction just isn't present for a demisexual person until they realise they like, trust and/or are genuinely interested in someone, regardless of who they are.

On that note, Grace also reminds us that demisexuality can and does inherently exist alongside other sexual orientations. "Because demisexual refers to the nature of a relationship between one or more people, demisexuals may also be heterosexual but they might also be bi, queer or pan, and they may feel like many sexual orientations make sense of their experience," Grace explains.

It's also important to realise, when understanding demisexuality, that there's a distinction between attraction and arousal. We can become physically aroused for a variety of different reasons, and often our bodies will become aroused even if we're not feeling attraction or desire.

To that end, yes, demisexuals might still masturbate or perform other solo-sex activities, and they can absolutely still enjoy sex as much as the next person. Demisexuality just has more to do with how they come to be sexually attracted to someone, and how their emotional connections to a person are inextricable from their sexual attraction to them.

Being demisexual in an age where casual, non-committal sex is the norm can certainly present challenges — chief among them is not being understood, or feeling ridiculed or ashamed. But whether you identify as demisexual or you've just actively made a decision to only sleep with people you feel connected with, your lack of casual sex should be just as empowering and validating as everyone's else sexual activity.

So, if demisexuality is a term that seems to apply to you, know that you're far from alone and it's a completely normal and valid way to be.