A Self-Care Schedule For The End Times

I recently discovered the most groundbreaking concept: self-care.

Self-care is the idea that it is up to the individual to live in wellness, prioritizing health, happiness, and being conventionally attractive. Regular vacations, spa days, and shopping sprees are crucial to achieving optimal self-care, but let’s be real, those things aren’t always doable. So, I’ve created this super-accessible self-care schedule to follow each day. It’s best to treat it like a to-do list, aggressively checking items off with the fervour of a Bali-based yoga-instructor-in-training attracting good vibes. Here’s how to get it, girl boss.

5 a.m. Start your morning routine. No snoozing! Always meditate, no exceptions. Buy the fanciest meditation cushion you can find to signal to your brain that you are worth it. Start off easy with, like, half an hour, and work your way up. You need at least an hour of silent, uninterrupted meditation time each morning in order to notice any difference in your cruddy attitude. 

6 a.m. Workout time. Some say fun and effective workouts can be free. My shaman, Chet, says that's bullshit. You should go to a class that will push you to your absolute max and cost at least $30. Spin, barre, bootcamp HIIT training, or high-intensity hot vinyasa yoga classes are the only ones that really count because they’re best for getting hot, and let’s be real, that’s the whole point of exercising. I can’t imagine a single reasonable excuse a person could offer for failing to start their day in this way. 

7 a.m. Breakfast. Freebase a half-ounce of bee pollen with 10 drops grapefruit essential oil.

8 a.m. Prep for your day. Proper hygiene involves appropriating Ayurvedic principles to a shallow (yet noisy!) degree that won’t involve changing your entire actual life. Start with dry-brushing your whole body for at least 20 minutes. Follow with a sensuous full-body oil massage (ideally from a professional). Multi-tasking is absolutely not an acceptable part of an effective morning routine, so finish off your remaining tasks one by one: tongue scraping, oil pulling, a meditative cuticle massage, and a half-hour scalp massage to draw out brain toxins.

10 a.m. Shower. Use luxury soaps and a $100 shampoo with fish eggs in it. Make sure your body is entirely hairless. Keep a notepad handy to track upcoming appointments. Wash your hair. Wash again with a clarifying shampoo. Deep condition for at least 10 minutes. Spritz a high-end leave-in conditioner. Dry off using only linen or 100% cotton percale towels. Anoint the body with various niche perfumes and oils. 

11 a.m. Get ready. Take your time applying lotions and moisturizers. Use retinol, hyaluronic acid, and rosehip serum. Do a full face of makeup, aka have some damn pride. Slather on a foundation, concealer, and cover with powder to set. Do a full-face contour with lots of highlighter, and FFS draw your brows on, even if it takes half an hour. When you get dressed, do it mindfully. Be sure your clothing is steamed and spotless. Remember, leggings aren’t pants, so be sure to put on some kind of stiff trouser or proper skirt and hose, whether you work in an office or not. Same goes for lingerie: put on something sexy, matching, and in pristine condition each day.

12 p.m. Lunch. Don’t just prepare something easy and low-maintenance ahead of time. Food is best enjoyed fresh, filled with prana. Go to your garden, harvest some vegetables, and cook them. Obviously if you care about yourself you have a garden, and winter is no excuse because you move the essentials — herbs, greens, tomatoes etc. — indoors to your windowsill. Have a balanced meal with elements like chia, kale, and organic baby spit. NO MEAT OR SUGAR. Chew slowly and mindfully while savouring the idea that you’re morally superior to other people. 

1 p.m. Reflection time. Sit and contemplate the beauty of life while you digest. Journal your intentions, and use your inner power to really manifest something into existence. Make a gratitude list. 

2 p.m. Move! Get outdoors for a walk. Dance naked in your yard, run wild down the street screaming for all you’re worth, or go out in the forest and terrorize small woodland creatures. Make sure you stare at your Fitbit or Apple Watch the entire time. Have a luxurious masturbation sesh and follow up with a nice, long afternoon nap.

4 p.m. Take time to move gently back into the world. Do a brain dump: List all the designer leggings you need, book a manicure, you know, life stuff. Get it all out of your head so you can fully stop stressing.

5 p.m. Do something for you. Get a mani or a blowout, eat a cake, declutter your entire wardrobe and buy a new one, slaughter anyone who zaps your joy. You deserve a treat!

6 p.m. Meet someone for dinner or cocktails. It’s really important to eat only local, organic, vegan food, literally no valid excuses. Booze is fine, though. Obviously.  

8:30 p.m. Unwind! Boil yourself alive in a tub full of Lush goodies, put your feet up for a tureen or two of wine and some Netflix, shoot up eucalyptus oil, have a CBD-infused enema — do you. Especially if you’re anxious or depressed, it’s really important to apply face masks. Studies show face masks can totally eradicate depression — who knew? (Related: If you just smile and choose positivity, you can avoid being depressed in the first place!) Also, coconut oil. Have you tried coconut oil??!!?!

10 p.m. Bedtime. Snort some lavender and surround yourself with crystals. Always make it an early night so you can get up and do it all again tomorrow. And next time you meet someone who seems to be having a hard time, help them by telling them they’d feel better if only they’d smarten the ef up and learn to take care of themselves. Good night.