Schitt’s Creek Season 6, Episode 3 Recap: Alexis + Ted 4Ever

Last week, I ended my Schitt’s Creek episode 2 recap with three simple words: I miss Ted. Specifically, I missed Dustin Milligan’s stubble and jawline and distractingly handsome face. Well, it was like Moira’s wigs heard my pleas (yes, they are magic and grant wishes) because on episode 3 of season 6 of Schitt's Creek, they gifted us his face with approximately 68% more stubble! Hot Ted and his Hot Beard’s appearances were made solely via Alexis’ laptop because he is on the Galapagos Islands researching tortoises or whatever. The episode opens with the long-distance couple trying to engage in some anniversary sexy screen time before they are interrupted by David. And Johnny. And Moira.

Of course, this horrifying moment for Alexis results in hilarity and a much-needed scene with the whole Rose clan selling the shit (pun intended, always) out of their respective tropes: Alexis the bratty and boy-crazy little sister, David the exasperated and snarky big bro, Johnny the awkward dad, and Moira, the all-knowing yet oblivious matriarch. “What have I told you about putting your body on the internet?” Moira asks. “Never, never, without proper lighting.” Catherine O’Hara hasn’t won a single award she’s been up for this season. The injustice!

Another one-on-one reunion I’ve been waiting for this season is David and Stevie. This friendship was the backbone of Season 1 and their love/hate dynamic is always a highlight. Stevie has (almost) decided that she’s done with the Rosebud Motel so she’s looking for a new job. Turns out Larry Air (a dude named Larry who bought a bunch of planes, of course) is hiring. David, being the supportive friend that he is, bets Stevie that he can land the job over her. Note: David is a terrible friend.

David borrows his fiancé Patrick’s clothes to try to steal the job. “Dress for the job you want!” he says. He is dressed like a youth pastor (Stevie’s best burn yet) but is it weird that I’m still very much attracted to David in this fit? Just me? (This look is very youth pastor — but of the early aughts. In 2020, youth pastors dress like Justin Bieber.) At the interview, David doesn’t advance past the first round with his interviewer, Carol. He leaves in a huff and steals some peanuts. Dan Levy is incredibly good at meme-able reaction faces and at saying the name “Carol” in a way that should be reserved for white ladies who ask to speak to the manager. Stevie gets the job and David just makes fun of her and the pamphlet she gets detailing all of Larry Air’s offering. I mean, based on this description, I would much rather fly WestJet like Meghan and Harry than step foot in a Larry Air plane but David could at least pretend to care about Stevie’s happiness.

Back to my favourite cross-coastal couple (is it too Alexis of me to admit I don’t exactly know where the Galapagos Islands are?). Alexis bought herself a pet turtle and named it Ted to feel closer to her man. I would think this was sweet if I didn’t have chelonaphobia, a fear of turtles. I’m not kidding. I’ll just let you know that I watched all the turtle parts of this episode through my hands. When Moira said turtles were nasty (I’m paraphrasing) and that Alexis “may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet,” I felt that.

Alexis loses Ted the Turtle and spends the rest of the episode freaking out Twyla with the thought of a live slimy slithering reptile wandering around the diner (I may be projecting). Just when Alexis is on all fours trying to lure the beast from its evil hiding spot in the motel, the doorbell rings and a limo arrives to pick her up for a date with Ted — okay, with a laptop and a sweaty Hot Ted and Hot Beard calling in. A sweet, surprise romantic gesture from thousands of miles away involving an empty restaurant, a candlelit dinner, and a pants-less man? INJECT IT.

The other journey we go on this week is with Johnny and Roland hoping to secure a loan to buy another motel. The bank won’t give it to them — shocking considering Johnny ran a business into the ground and Roland is, well, Roland. After their disappointment at the bank, Roland and Johnny move on to someone in town they think has the money to bankroll their business. Enter Bob in a full leather suit that is supposed to be a joke, but I would totally wear it. No shame. Moira, Jocelyn, Roland, and Johnny score themselves a dinner with Bob to try to convince him to invest. Turns out Bob doesn’t actually have the money (his wife Gwen left him for a minister and is trying to take all his money — a scammer queen).

Just when Moira and Johnny have resigned themselves to an expansion-less life in Schitt’s Creek, Roland and Jocelyn save the day. They bought the other motel and the foursome are now officially business partners.

What could go wrong?

Alexis Rose. I was tempted to give this honour to Ted’s beard but Alexis gets the nod solely for her performance in that opening scene, which made me laugh out loud. And for her delivery of “my Galapiguy.” I should hate it, but I loved it. 

This wasn’t exactly a callback to the Roses' rich days, but the bit about them knowing Bill and Melinda Gates was funny, and actually believable considering you could buy another motel if you had a dollar for every name these two have dropped throughout the series.

Last week, I yelled for a better showing from the bebes in episode 3, and once again, Schitt’s Creek delivered. The greenish shaggy pixie wig Moira is wearing at the dinner scene can only be described as Diane Warren meets Billie Eilish and I am HERE FOR IT.

— Earlier this season, I predicted Mutt would come back. I would like to rescind that prediction. I am so hard on the Ted and Alexis endgame train that I don’t want anything to derail it. Not even Mutt’s Hot Beard.

— Twyla basically just lingered in the background while Alexis went on a date. I think it’s time for Twyla to get her own romance. I hear Mutt’s available.

— At this point in the season, it may be time we start predicting how this whole series is going to end. Johnny’s motel expansion being lucrative enough to move the family out of Schitt’s Creek seems to be the obvious answer, but I have a feeling the Roses won’t be able to quit this charming, Schitty little oasis.

— Since it worked last week, let me make my official wish to the wig genies. Bebes, I would like more Ronnie, please. Thanks in advance.