Schitt’s Creek Season 6, Episode 5 Recap: The Carpet “Crowening”

Red carpets are unpredictable. That’s an industry fact, like the Oscars are so white, Meryl Streep is talented, and Brad Pitt is not writing his own jokes this awards season. If you’re sent to cover a red carpet (which I’ve done many times), here’s what to expect: you never know when the stars are going to show up, what mood they are going to be in, how much time you’ll get, or whether Tom Cruise is going to get water squirted in his face. The unpredictability of red-carpet events is what makes the climax of episode 5 of season 6 (the final season) of Schitt’s Creek pretty believable — crows and all. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, Alexis has a pitch called “Moira Rose: Marketing Strategy.”

The episode opens with our favourite Rose daughter rolling out her strategy to promote her mother’s straight-to-streaming release, The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening. Alexis’ pitch is just three words (Crows, Movie, Premiere), but it's enough to leave Moira intrigued and David confused. He says, “They are doing a premiere? I thought it was streaming on Interflix.” For the record, streaming services hold premieres all the time. I know this because I’ve been obsessing over the premieres of Netflix's To All The Boys: PS. I Still Love You. Anyway, Moira is hoping the Crows premiere is in New York, L.A., or London, but Alexis’ big idea is to hold it in Schitt’s Creek. Moira is not pleased: “What’s next? I sign my name in the pavement outside Bob’s garage?” (I cackled). Moira and David shoot down Alexis’ pitch and her reply is my new favourite insult: “Lick rust!”

It was pretty obvious that Moira’s going to come around to the idea of a local premiere — this is a woman who thrives on spectacle and craves attention, after all. But the question is: Who is going to be the one to convince her? Turns out, Jocelyn and Twyla (who have devolved into Moira Rose fangirls this episode and I’m not mad at it) are the ones who persuade Moira on the premiere, thanks to a glowing review in Ornithology Today. You know you’ve made it when a publication specializing in the study of birds calls you, “delightfully unhinged.”

Moira heads back to the motel to tell Alexis that the premiere is on. She gracefully concedes to Alexis, saying “I may have been wrong; you may have been not wrong." I’ve decided this is my new way of apologizing to my partner (just kidding, I’m never wrong). Moira now believes that Schitt’s Creek is the perfect location because “we can position this as a terrifying tale premiering in an equally spine-chilling town.” That’s not only a brilliant spin, but it’s also a reminder of how Moira views the place she calls home; it may also be foreshadowing the Roses' attempt to skip town at the end of this series. Moira may have acclimated to her surroundings, but she still sees herself as an outsider. Alexis then has to scramble to pull the event together with the help of Ronnie and Roland, who both demand to walk the carpet. When Alexis protests, Ronnie puts a hand on her hip and says, “Honey, it’s a movie premiere — is it not?” Every week, I demand more screen time for Ronnie and her delivery of this line is my vindication. JUSTICE FOR RONNIE.

Before we get to the premiere, let’s check in with Moira’s supporting cast aka the other characters of Schitt’s Creek. The most disappointing subplot for me this week was Johnny and Stevie’s reunion. Sure, it’s nice that Stevie has decided to go back to managing the motel with Johnny since I quite enjoy the father/daughter bond Eugene Levy and Emily Hampshire have developed onscreen, but the show spent the first four episodes of this season telling us she wanted a different life. Stevie finally had ambitions of her own, and even if shady-ass Larry Air wasn’t the right path (they recruited Johnny to be a pilot, of course), it felt right that Stevie had carved out a different course for herself. There’s nothing wrong with staying in the same small town your whole life, if that’s what you want. Stevie has told us repeatedly that it’s not what she wants. This episode felt like she was giving up on her goals and taking the easy way out. I wanted more for Stevie.

As for our resident perfect couple, David and Patrick, there looks like there’s trouble in betrothed paradise when Patrick gets his wisdom teeth out and confesses (while high AF) that he wants to have a baby with David. The problem is that David doesn’t want kids. When Patrick slurs, “You would be such a good dad,” David replies, “Have we met!?” The man was peeing himself two episodes ago so yeah, I’m with David here. This is a relatable issue that comes up in relationships all the time, but you’d think these two would have had the convo sooner. It also gave me heart palpitations to think that something this monumental could come between David and Patrick this late in the game. The good news is that Patrick doesn’t actually want kids and has let go of that childhood dream to be with David, his one true love. Once again, Patrick is too pure and good for this world, and this show is really freaking good at showing us a grounded and real relationship that never fails to deliver the FEELS. Saying goodbye to these two is going to be the hardest.

It’s the moment we’ve been waiting for: the premiere. The merlot carpet (which just looks red to me), has been rolled out and Moira and Johnny emerge from a black car (driven by Stevie dressed as a limo driver) looking like Hollywood royalty. Ronnie (in a silver sparkly number that screams, YES, SIS!), Roland, and Jocelyn are hogging the carpet while Alexis is frantically trying to move them along. Moira gives a speech that ends with, “let the crowening commence” and real crows are released onto the carpet. Alexis gets the “headline-grabbing moment” she was hoping for because the crows go wild and start attacking guests. Mayhem ensues — just like a real-life red carpet! OK, a murder of wild crows has never converged on a red carpet I’ve covered, but one time I saw a junior reporter jump over a barricade to try to run to the front of the press line and get clotheslined by a security guard, so, same. The video of the event goes viral and Moira, Johnny, and David watch in horror while Alexis tries to defend her “immersive experience.” In real life, this whole thing would be great press for The Crows Have Eyes III and the movie would become a hate-watch. That’s my prediction for next week. 

In my first recap this season, I promised I wouldn’t give this honour to Catherine O’Hara every week. But this week especially, I’ve got to give it to “12-time Daytime Emmy Award attending actress” Moira Rose. The final scene of this episode was its best and I was laughing out loud when Moira screamed at terrified onlookers about the crows, “Whatever you do, do not look them in the eye!” before caw-ing like a crow. O’Hara deserves an Emmy for this scene alone.

Again, Moira takes this one. She tells this insane story about Demi Moore’s birthday party that should be its own spin-off series: “When Demi decided on a Friday night at six that she wanted to celebrate her 40th in Aspen, her publicist had us in parkas by seven. Sadly, Meghan went into cardiac arrest on the flight, but she perished doing what she loved!”

Sadly, Moira doesn’t wear any wigs this episode, but she does wear a glorious headpiece to the Crows premiere that deserves its own moment. I bow down to this entire look, from her feathered, sparkly gown to the crown that puts the Statue of Liberty to shame. Costume designer Debra Hanson is a visionary who deserves all the praise. 

— If David and Patrick’s wedding is the series’ finale, which I’m assuming it is, does that mean we don’t get any more Ted for the rest of the season? The timeline we know so far is that Alexis is going to be in town for a month before she leaves for the Galapagos Islands to meet Ted. The wedding takes place before then. Listen, I know Ted is not the priority here, but I would like to see that chiseled bearded jaw one last time!

— A potential conflict coming for the other cute couple of Schitt’s Creek is a rift between Johnny and Moira over their current professional endeavours. Let’s say the Crows movie takes off at the same time as Johnny’s motel expansion does. Whose career comes out on top?

— They made a big deal about Twyla and Jocelyn finding something to wear to the premiere. And while we get a glimpse of Jocelyn in an on-brand basic red number, we never get the payoff of seeing Twyla’s interpretation of red-carpet chic. Let Twyla be great!