Schitt’s Creek Season 6, Episode 7 Recap: Moira Rosé All Day

Schitt’s Creek is the not the show you would expect to take a ripped-from-the-headlines story and turn it into a plot point. It is not Law and Order: SVU. In fact, Schitt’s Creek mostly seems to belong in an alternate utopian reality where headlines don’t exist at all. And yet, this week, on episode seven of the show's sixth and final season, Alexis Rose is now a "regional marketing invigorator" for an organization that recruits women and makes them wear creepy muted-toned uniforms for "a total physical and emotional transformation." (Ronnie’s skeptical face through this entire bit is a whole mood). Aside from the SoulCycle element, "Elevation" is a total NXIVM knockoff, right down to the charismatic male leader (named Citrus — I screamed at this name). Considering the NXIVM cult scandal was such a big and absurd story involving so many Canadians, it makes sense that our big and absurd Canadian sitcom pokes a little fun at it — with less-horrifying details. 

Of course, Alexis doesn’t realize her new gig is to lure unsuspecting women into a cult. At first, she just thinks it’s a fun workout class she gets paid to trick her friends into going to. Stevie is only there for a free lunch. Jocelyn is sad she has to change and doesn't get to show off her "lulu limes" workout gear. Twyla actually seems like the ideal cult recruit: she’s gullible, eager to please hot dudes (remember when she wrote Mutt a song?), and she’s generally a follower. Alexis ignores Stevie’s warnings that the place has a "weird vibe" and they go on with the class.

Like a true SoulCycle instructor, Citrus yells affirmations at the woman and encourages them to "push past demons" and "ascend to the gateway" as they plug away on their ellipticals. After the class, everyone is ready to sign over their lives to Citrus, except Stevie. (Sure, Stevie ends up being right in this scenario, but let’s never forget that she is the girl who works out with her hair down. An unforgivable offence.) After Stevie’s prodding, Alexis finally decides to ask Citrus what the schitt a "gateway" is. He says it’s a "literal gateway into the sky" and that’s when Alexis confirms Elevation is 100% a cult. She breaks the news to the group and they decide to escape through the emergency exit in the change room.

Back at the motel, the episode opens with David watching baseball with Patrick. Patrick is explaining the basic rules of the game while David eats pizza. On brand. Moira and one of her precious wigs make a grand entrance to announce that she is heading to a winery because its owner, Herb Ertlinger, is a "rabid fan of the Crows movie" ("good luck finding someone who isn’t," Moira adds) and he wants to name a wine after her. You may remember Herb, but not his name, from Moira’s hysterical and now-iconic winery commercial where she kept botching the name of the winery. Of course, the wine will be called the "Moira Rosé.” Moira and David then proceed to act out an elaborate scene to get David out of watching baseball. Patrick catches on and tells David to leave and also that “you guys might want to rehearse a little more.” Shots fired.

At the winery, David and Moira are tasked with sampling three kinds of rosé in order to choose the one Moira will attach her esteemed “Daytime Emmy Award-attending” name to. There’s the strawberry peach, the ground fruits blend, and a “lovely” banana rosé, which turns out to be as disgusting as it sounds. David and Moira hate the wines, but I love watching Dan Levy and Catherine O’Hara play drunk. They’re delicious together. Eventually, David blends a few of the wines together for a “Moira ros-eisling” that Moira calls “potable.” David says, “I have had worse things in my mouth.” HA. Moira then describes Patrick and David’s relationship with the most elaborate wine puns that only she could deliver. “You and Patrick are two good grapes,” she says in between sips. “Different notes, different tannins, but together you’ve managed to make one perfect blend.” Awwww.

Next up, Roland convinces Johnny that he needs to have a heart-to-heart with Patrick ahead of the wedding. Johnny fumbles around awkwardly (a Eugene Levy specialty) before chickening out of the chat. Patrick, sensing Johnny wants to talk, cajoles him into speaking. This turns into the sweetest scene of the season so far. It made me tear up.  I’m going to give it to you in full because it’s that good. Patrick says, “I hope it goes without saying that as lucky as I am to have met David, I also feel incredibly lucky to be joining your family. I love your son and I will always to everything I can to respect him and to protect him from all of the things that can set him off, and there are many many things that can set him off.” An emotional Johnny responds with, “that pretty much covers it.” By the time the two high five to celebrate a homerun, I was a mess. This show is so good at sentimental Schitt!

Johnny and Patrick then go to pick up their drunk other halves, Moira and David. Later, David and Patrick stay at the motel and the Rose gang is back together again for one big ol’ sleepover. The whole family roasts Alexis for her earlier cult scare and we leave our favourite spoiled family with four people stuffed in twin beds and Johnny chuckling at them all. I’m laughing and crying because it’s almost over. 

For the first time this season, this week’s MVP is Patrick, a kind soul too pure and good for this world. The limits of Noah Reid’s acting skills are usually evident when he’s up against some of the other heavyweight cast members but he pulled off an emotional scene with Eugene Levy effortlessly.

This is the second week in a row without a good name drop so I’m just going to insert one into this little Alexis aside: “It’s a cult, and like not the good kind. Not like when you go to India to follow a long-haired sexy man around for a couple of months and then come home with a banging yoga bod.” I’ve decided the long-haired sexy man is Jason Momoa. No disrespect to Lisa Bonet.

One of Moira’s “bebes” is BACK. I’m not sure if this one has a name. Let’s call her Demi, like Moore not Lovato. The black long bob with bangs is very mid-'90s Demi Moore.

— Can Patrick and David just get married already! I’m guessing Herb Ertlinger won’t be providing the vino, but I’m getting antsy waiting for the reveal of David’s outfit and Moira’s wedding wig.

— This week, Twyla revealed her mom tried to get her to join a cult one summer. With all of Twyla’s weird reveals, I think she could get her own spinoff series. Love that journey for Sarah Levy.

— I’m a little disappointed that Alexis’s big career boost led to her working for … a cult? Come on, a massive PR stunt with international press would surely result in something better than a shady pyramid scheme.