What Is Weaponized Incompetence, The Slow Burn Relationship Killer?

“I’ll just do it” is a phrase that has escaped my mouth many a time, often uttered with a sigh. I know I’m not alone in my willingness to take matters into my own hands to have total control of a situation either — which is why so many of us wear a ‘perfectionist’ badge pinned to our chests.

When you expect things to be done to a certain standard, you often just end up doing it yourself so you’re not faced with disappointment or the inevitability of redoing a task. It’s something I’ve unknowingly done with partners, friends, family, and coworkers — it makes things easier for everyone, right? But what I failed to realize is that this sets an opposing standard for the person who I’m letting off the hook.

This dawned on me after watching TikTok videos of wives making fun of their husbands’ inability to do simple tasks, and the degree to which they have to handhold them. Like the woman who created a detailed A4 shopping list complete with photos of grocery products and what aisle number they were found in (as well as a hand-drawn map of the store), or the woman who is caring for her two young children while her partner “comes downstairs at 11am after sleeping in, sitting on the toilet for 45 min[utes], shaving and taking a long hot shower”. The truth is that this is all learned behaviour.

The phenomenon of shirking unpleasant tasks by pretending not to be able to do them has come to be known as weaponized incompetence, or strategic incompetence, a term first coined in 2007. And it's now trending on TikTok with #weaponizedincompetence holding over 5.6 million views, because, let's face it, things haven't really changed. While it’s categorized here by the trope of the negligent or obtuse husband, it can also manifest in the workplace, in family structures and in friendships. 

It might look like that coworker that half-asses their clean-up kitchen duty, or complains that they don’t know what goes in the recycling. Or it might be the friend that forgets to book a restaurant reservation, or relies on you to manage travel directions. 

When he was younger, the first time Professor Neil Shyminsky was asked to wash the dishes by his mum, he told his little brother he had a strategy. “That strategy was that I would do such a bad job that she would never ask me to do it again. I was faking incompetence [where] you pretend to be bad at something so somebody else will do it for you. It creates a lot of extra labour for everyone else,” he said on TikTok.

TikTok user and motivational speaker Cindy Noir points out that the victims of weaponized incompetence are often the ones witnessing it. “What I can’t help but think about is how does weaponized incompetence impact the kids and the overall family dynamic?” she said on TikTok. 

“Because weaponized incompetence shows kids that even though there’s two parents in the home, only one is trustworthy and reliable. And it shows kids what all kids have to do to get out of what they don’t want to do, as well as what they should allow and do in their future relationships,” she says.

Over time, the additional mental baggage and workload can build up and cause relationship tension, stress and friction. The imbalance of labour is often something people have to unlearn, especially when it's gendered. Studies conducted during last year's lockdown confirm that the division of domestic labour still relies predominantly with women.

TikTok user @ThatDarnChat’s series “Division of labour” dives into this complex topic. She recommends The Fair Play Deck: A Couple's Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What's Important, which includes tasks like, “who keeps in touch with the in-laws,” and “who buys gifts for people,” acknowledging the work that comes with community building and caregiving.

So the next time you feel the urge to take over a basic task that it looks like someone won't get just right, remember — just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.