6 Hilarious Goop Collabs That Will Never Happen (But Should)

Ah, Gwyneth Paltrow — she of flowing hair and crazy diets, of aerial yoga and perfect everything. She's so wonderful and lovely and breezy it hurts, doesn't it? Well, she knows that, and from time to time, she descends from on high to ease the pain in the form of a product collaboration between a chosen brand and her website, goop.

She's done it with baby swimsuits and fancy cashmere, she's even got two of her own cookbooks. But what about those of us with tastes that lean slightly more towards the low-brow? Don't worry. Fake Gwyneth Paltrow, as imagined by R29, is here to help. These are the five Gwynnie collabs we would love to see — but don't get your hopes up. It's never happening.