We Need To Learn How To Be More Assertive At Work

If you're anything like me, you've choked back tears while having a serious conversation with your boss at least once — and for me, it happens even when I'm not the one being pulled up on something. Whenever I have to speak my mind, voice my own frustrations or give honest feedback to an employer or manager, I'm a mess.

Many of us have been taught that we're not supposed to question or challenge authority, especially when we're younger, so it's a triumph that young women have started to prioritise their agency in the workplace. I'm here for it, but honestly, I have no idea how to actually start being more assertive myself.

How do I voice my opinions to someone more senior than I am, without seeming argumentative?

How do I make sure I still have my manager's trust and respect when I want to disagree with them?

How do I assert myself without going overboard and getting fired? Or end up sobbing in guilt or fear in front of the boss.

Women and queer people have long had trouble asserting themselves at work, because, hello, sexism. Our male colleagues often talk louder and take up more space because they've been taught that's their right. Meanwhile, we're drowned out and relegated to the background because we've been taught to be seen and not heard. To compound this, not enough of our bosses are women, who can inherently appreciate the difficulty of our position.

"While issues of assertiveness are not always gendered, the lack of women in leadership roles in many industries means young women often don’t have the opportunity to see examples of healthy assertive behaviour in senior women in the workplace," Sabina Read, SEEK's Resident Psychologist, tells Refinery29 Australia.

It's an antiquated concept and we're definitely well on our way to getting past this — at least that's the hope — but the fact is, women and queer people still struggle to be heard in the workplace and are often deemed to be 'hysterical' or weak just for showing emotion or passion.

"Gender stereotypes can also reinforce the idea that women are caregivers and men are leaders and providers," Read says. "When you repeatedly put the needs of others ahead of your own, you can convey low levels of assertiveness and may even fall into the trap of apologising for decisions or speaking up."

So how can we practically be more assertive without feeling like we're acting inappropriately or above our rank?

According to Read, it all comes down to respect. "Being appropriately assertive means respecting your own rights and needs, while also being respectful of the rights of others," she says.

"Sometimes, we avoid being assertive to avoid displeasing others or not being liked. Pleasing others is often a practised behaviour from earlier experiences where we learned making others happy was a way to keep us psychologically safe."

When we consciously start to realise that this way of thinking and behaving isn't actually serving us in the long run, that's when we start to feel and see some change in our behaviour. "If you are speaking up from a place of knowledge, experience, perspective and, above all, respect (rather than fear), there are fewer reasons to be afraid to assert yourself," Read concludes.

In terms of how we can then put these ideas into practice, Read suggests that we ask ourselves some important questions, starting with 'What are the barriers to me speaking up?'. From here, work out which are based on fact and which might just be insecurity and old patterns of thinking.

Read then suggests asking, 'What’s the worst thing that is likely to happen if I speak up in a professional and respectful way?'. Generally, it won't be as big of a deal as you're catastrophising it to be.

"Practice using 'I' statements (i.e starting a sentence with I) to express feelings and needs is a good place to start," Read says. "This brings a sense of agency and responsibility, not blame." Because 'I think this could be an interesting idea' sounds so much better than 'your idea is bad'.

We also have to start getting used to one very magical word: 'no'. And we need to start using it without feeling the immediate need to apologise or explain ourselves in unnecessary detail.

"When you’re confident in what you are saying and doing, you don’t tend to feel the need to explain yourself, which in turn, conveys a sense of ease," Read notes. "Both are hallmarks of effective assertiveness."

What I've come to realise, at least for me personally, is that my issue with being assertive at work has very little to do with anyone else and a lot to do with my own disregard for the validity of my thoughts and feelings.

But good employers actually want passionate employees who care enough about their work to voice their opinions and respect themselves enough to engage and speak up. It makes you a stronger person and a stronger employee — talk about a win-win for everyone.