What Your Leopard Print Says About You

In the words of the inimitable Diana Vreeland: "I’ve never met a leopard print I didn’t like." That says it all really; the goddess of fashion, the queen of camp, knew that there’s something indescribably alluring about a good leopard print.

Few prints manage to be both the stronghold of nans — found on dressing gowns and quilty slippers from Freeport in Fleetwood for four quid, at which Nan would scoff and say, "They’re only three in Morecambe, we’re leaving," dashing your dreams of snagging bargain Rocha by John Rocha from the discount Debenhams — as well as the must-have of the fashionable set, who never really go a season without a good leopard print.

Yes, it has been very much on the trendar (trend radar) in 2018, but think about it; the most stylish people in your life are guaranteed to have something leopard print. In fact, almost everyone in your life has something leopard print. It’s as essential to style happiness as the perfect day heel boot, a brilliant black winter coat, a really stunning dildo.

Why though? One might argue that it’s pretty. But it’s actually not; in its classic form, it’s kind of off-beige and polka dotty, which isn’t a combo that usually denotes pretty. I reckon it’s because there’s something quite sexual about wearing the print of an animal that is so sleek, so stunning, so athletic, such a hunter, while being able to stick proudly to your anti-fur stance. It’s carnal, it’s nature, it’s sex, but cruelty-free.

I’m not saying I want to fuck a leopard but I am saying it’s about animal instinct. And so, because it’s my job as a gay person, and thus someone who understands the sexual codes and the camp countenances of clothes because, I dunno, I was born this way, here is a definitive list of what your leopard print says about you.