Celebs, Pregnancy & Instagram: A Guide

What does Instagram love more than avocados and cappuccinos? Babies. Babies and more babies. And babies before they're even babies and still just bumps. It's like our very reason to reproduce is just so we can have cute pictures of babies with which to play Top Trumps with.

In this age of social media, it's easy to overstep the invisible line that reads: "Too Much Information, Please Stop, No-one Cares". Especially when it comes to offspring. And especially for celebrities. But, you know, it's more difficult for famous people to find that line because so often people do care. With all those Instagram likes and pleading Tweets from fans it must be easy to think the world wants to know everything. But we don't. So please, celebs of Instagram, allow us to help you navigate these tricky waters. Announcing the pregnancy

If you're a lady celebrity who is up the duff, and you don't want the internet speculating on your expanding waistline, then it's understandable you might want to share the news yourself. That's what Anne Hathaway decided to do when she realised she was being papped on the beach, her bare bump there for all to see. "I figure if this kind of photo is going to be out in the world," Anne said, "it should at least be an image that makes me happy (and be one that was taken with my consent. And with a filter.)" The photo might be a little too "ta-da!" for our liking (no need for that jaunty leg, love), but it's probably the simplest and least cringe way for celeb mothers-to-be to let everyone (read: the media) know they're expecting. See Liv Tyler's latest Instagram snap for a masterclass in the perfect 'I'm-preggers-and-a-little-bit-smug-but-holding-it-down' beach shot.

But some celebrities aren't satisfied with a boring old bump picture. They want to get inventive, more intimate. Take Bar Refaeli, who shared a picture of her positive pregnancy test to let us know she had one in the oven. I suppose it's nice to be included in the moment and everything, but at the end of the day, that's a picture of a piss-soaked stick. Next to a suspicious looking hair. Celebrities: If you want to make a splash, so to speak, about your pregnancy, follow Coco Rocha's lead. Put on a beige unitard and pretend to be a pregnant ballerina. It's not creepy. Promise.

Other unacceptable behaviour: use of the word "we" when announcing a pregnancy. Chrissy Teigen, I'm looking at you. And you Doutzen Kroes. And well, it seems a lot of you are guilty of this piece of misinformation. Please, parents: no. If anything, it will just confuse the children.
During the pregnancy

So once you've let everyone know you're 'with child', it's time to chart the growth of your bump in a selection of fabulous outfits or, if you're on holiday, a selection of bikinis that really show off just how pregnant you are. Remember the pose: one hand on top of bump, one hand below, head bowed. If you have lots of famous pals get them all round yours, and ask them to hug or kiss your now gigantic belly. Jaime King really made the most of pal Taylor Swift for this. Of course, capture all on camera and post to Instagram to let everyone know how well you and bump are loved. Oh, and if you are going to get paid £££ to endorse a morning sickness pill to an adoring public that holds onto your every word like Kim Kardashian, just make sure you're not breaking advertising laws.

Debuting the baby

The very idea of having to debut a baby like it's a first album is a bit weird. But if you're a celebrity, you have your public to answer to and they'll be gagging to see what you've managed to expel from your loins at the nearest possible opportunity.

Given how foul many people on the internet are nowadays, it's understandable that some celebrities are keen to keep their babies away from the public scrutiny of social media. But, naturally, they still want all those grubby Instagram likes. The solution? It's all about the holding hand shot. See North West clutching Saint's chubby little finger. Or Ryan Reynolds' 'thumb war' photo with his baby daughter. Or, if you're Natalia Vodianova, (i.e. a supermodel) then you can probably get away with a nude breastfeeding pic. It's all a bit Anne Geddes for me, but people eat this stuff up. Especially year 8 girls – and they're the target audience, right?

Other celebs give less of a shit about plastering their baby's faces all over Instagram from the get go. Maybe your newborn wants it's own Instagram account? And by get go, I mean from the moment the baby's head starts pushing it's way out of it's mother's undercarriage. At least, that's what Robbie Williams deemed appropriate when he decided to liveblog the birth of his first child with Ayda Field. Frankly, it was a bit much. Rule: if the baby cannot open its eyes, it's not ready for its debut. Safest bet, probably, celebs, is to quietly truss up your newborn in an animal-themed onesie, or a cosy blanket, and be done with it. A-Lister or civilian, no-one can resist putting a child in a cutesy costume. Or if you're Ice T and wife Coco, then it's fine to make your newborn baby resemble a faded Hollywood actress. Not wrong at all.