Rihanna Breakup Instagram Proves Drake Is The Male Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift gets a lot of undeserved shit in a lot of quarters for writing about her ex-lovers. The idea that a woman would write powerfully — confessionally even — about her personal experiences in such a way that would connect with millions of fans around the world is somehow treated as...a laugh line? It's very strange. Anyways, Drake is totally exactly the same person but with a sloppy veneer of faux-nice-sad-guy that overlays a deep undercoat of misogyny. Still with us? Good, we have some Instagrams to show you. People reacted weirdly happily to the rumoured Drake-Rihanna split. One person who was not happy was Drake, who indeed was moody-brooding in the back of a limousine.

Let's break down this image for a second. He's holding up a double cup, which is what people drink lean out of. But it's not the right type of cup. It's just two Solo cups stacked on top of each other, not the iconic styrofoam. Also, he's probably holding Hennessy because Drake gets his ideas about what's cool from a copy of Vibe magazine he found dumpster diving during a freegan phase in 1997. But it looks like some plastic handle rum because of the way the light's catching it. Also do not get us started on the caption, which makes a vague reference to drama and wishing some unnamed person well. That's something a dude says who only texts you weird emoji after midnight and then when you get mad at him tells you he's scared of how much he likes you and that women have hurt him before. But really he just goes to bars every night and when everyone rejects him he sends, like, a pumpkin to everyone and hopes they draw some crazy connection to Cinderella. Next slide.

Oh word, you're back in the studio? Maybe to drop some more fake patois to show Rihanna you're "irie" even though she's from Barbados? Or, no. This is a breakup record so we guess we can hear some more tracks about how you don't want women to go out more because you're the only one that really understands them? And also because then they might see you at the club getting slapped in the face by Diddy (Diddy!) so hard you literally go to the hospital.