Dear Johnny Depp: I Don’t Need You In My Life Anymore

Dear Johnny Depp,

You don't know me, but I've loved you for years. I memorised all of your Jack Sparrow lines from Pirates of the Caribbean. I sobbed in Edward Scissorhands. I binge-watched Blow, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Don Juan DeMarco, and yes, even Ed Wood. I dragged my friend to see Sweeney Todd in the middle of a raging blizzard (Sorry, Gabby!), and avidly consumed shady bootlegged episodes of 21 Jump Street on Youtube. I had a pillow with your face on it.

Over the last few years, my devotion has been tested. Career-wise, you've starred in one (or three, really) too many Pirates movies, with the promise of more to come. You've decided to join a group of aging rockstars in an effort to recapture your youth. You made The Tourist, Mortdecai and Transcendence, and probably others that I've had to erase from my memory. (Oh my God, The Lone Ranger.)

And then there were the personal issues: Amber Heard filing for divorce and claiming you assaulted her multiple times over the course of your 15-month marriage; that picture showing your severed finger which you used to scrawl hateful messages in blood; a video allegedly showing you stumbling around drunk in a blind rage. It's been a rough year for your fans.

So, when I learned you had been cast in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, I rolled my eyes. Another day, another franchise. But I figured that given your past history, you'd probably make a cameo as one of the colourful creatures and be on your way. "I can live with that," I thought. "One movie, that should be fine."

It's not fine.

I was thoroughly enjoying Fantastic Beasts before you showed up. Sure, it's no Harry Potter, but that's not a bad thing. Eddie Redmayne is magical, Katherine Waterston is a gem, Alison Sudol is delightful — and oh, Dan Fogler, where have you been all my life? The film stands on its own, but doles out enough Easter eggs to keep Potter fans enthralled.

But when I realised that you, Johnny Depp, would be playing Grindelwald — the pre-Voldemort dark wizard who also happens to be Dumbledore's first love — it all came crashing down.

I don't want you ruining this for me. I don't want to witness the love story of Dumbledore and Johnny Depp. I don't want FIVE movies of you. I don't want you to be relevant again. I don't want you to be associated with a franchise that has brought so much comfort to victims of abuse, domestic or otherwise. You don't deserve it.

Two years ago, Dodai Stewart at Jezebel pleaded with you to get it together. "I still love you. I'll always love you. You're one of my first loves, and you're still in my Top Ten," she wrote, in a simpler time before Into The Woods. "I need you to be different, the weirdo, the counter-culture version of a Hollywood star, despite or because of that highly photogenic, beautifully chiseled, enigmatic, sly, Dean/Brando pout."

I felt that way once too, but no longer. You're like a first boyfriend who means everything until you don't. I don't need you anymore. We're done.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who's Getting Rid Of That Pillow