Twitter Thread Women Sex Consent Pleasure Grey Areas

Photo: Ashley Armitage

In the last few weeks and months we have seen women's sexual experiences come under the spotlight more than ever before. Specifically: the grey areas around sex, pleasure and consent.

The recent allegations against Aziz Ansari and the New Yorker's viral short story, "Cat Person", have sparked conversation about the murky waters of sex in a misogynist world and struck a chord with women everywhere.

Writer Ashley C. Ford recently summed up the vastly different experiences that people have with pleasure and consent, and the reality of being a woman who sleeps with men in a world in which you're expected to acquiesce to their sexual desires.

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In a Twitter thread that has since gone viral, Ford shared details of a conversation she had with a former college roommate whose sexual experiences were very different from her own and, like "Cat Person", has prompted other women to open up about their experiences of similarly unfulfilling, not-completely-consensual sex.

During a frank conversation with her roommate about sex, Ford asked "what it was like to sleep with the guy she'd been seeing" and the response was jarring, to say the least. "She shrugged, 'Kind of like sleeping with anyone else. You just lay there and let them do it!' Then we both got real quiet."

A stunned Ford, who wasn't sure she'd heard her roommate correctly, prodded further: "What do you mean by 'just lay there'?"

Me: Do you like having sex like that?
Her: Well, I like him a lot.
Me: Yeah, but when the TWO of you have sex TOGETHER do you get pleasure from the sex?
Her: Sometimes. I guess I think of it as something I do for him. Like a thank you, or a compromise.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 16, 2018

Confirming Ford's suspicions, the roomate replied: "You know like when you come home and you're drunk, or you're too tired, or you don't feel like it, but he's there, and he wants to, so you just...kinda...let him."

The roommate said that the sex was only pleasurable for her "sometimes" and that she considered it "as something [she did] for him. Like a thank you, or a compromise."

I asked a few more questions, but it didn't get better. She didn't feel like she should expect mutual pleasure from her sexual encounters. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't expect--nay, DEMAND--mutual pleasure from sex with another person.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 16, 2018

Ford was struck by the conversation and how the women had grown up to have such different attitudes towards their own pleasure and sexual identity. "We were both smart, midwestern, 21-ish, sexually active young women, but somehow, we'd gotten completely different messages about what to expect during a sexual encounter."

I was not (and am not) the most secure person in the world, but I always believed in the fundamental truth that sex was something I was supposed to enjoy too. And I demanded that. Before our conversation, no one had ever told her that was even an option.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 16, 2018

Afterwards, Ford became increasingly aware of the fact that, while something may technically be defined as "sex", people's experiences – and sexual identities – vary greatly depending on how they'd been socialised. While Ford had grown up believing she had a right to enjoy sex, "no one had ever told [her roommate] that was even an option."

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The conversation compelled Ford's roommate to look back on her past sexual encounters, "and realised that not only did she not enjoy them, she could barely remember them because she'd 'go somewhere else in her mind'," but that technically, because she "never said no," she had not been sexually assaulted – but this doesn't mean she was unscathed.

It's clear that we need better more definitive language to have nuanced discussions about the spectrum of harm inflicted on the bodies and psyches of women during bad sexual encounters. We can build that language together, if we keep talking to each other about this.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 16, 2018

"After years of men laying on top of her limp body and 'taking what they can get', she had absolutely been harmed," Ford added.

Many women compared their own past sexual encounters with that of Ford's roommate and said they knew others with a similar attitude towards sex.

Definitely keep talking. My very limited experiences were similar to your college roommate's - and that really does do a number on one's self-esteem. And leave's one open to "sex by extortion" - not exactly rape, but not exactly not either.
— bfitzinAR (@bfitzinAR) January 16, 2018

This, A guy I briefly dated literally never cared about getting me off. He couldn’t understand that I wanted things done to me to get me off. He called me demanding and that’s when I left. It’s sad because I stood for a while after because I did like him
— concentida (@lorearacelis) January 16, 2018

I am finally beginning to believe that asking for what I want and need doesn’t make me “difficult.” It may, however, mean the person in question is not a match for me. Took me long enough to come around to this.
— jerimi (@jerimi) January 16, 2018

This thread is really important and required reading. It’s hard to think about how the sex you’ve had may have harmed you, and its equally hard to think about how the sex you’ve had may have harmed others. But gardens start by digging in the dirt. Thank you @iSmashFizzle https://t.co/ec1ZW5wbMM
— T.H. Ponders (@thponders) January 16, 2018

This is why it's so incredibly important that we teach sex ed with a sex positive attitude and talk about pleasure in those conversations! So many girls I know only really have sex with boyfriends for their boyfriend's enjoyment and not their own ?
— Milly Evans (@millyelizabethe) January 16, 2018

Pop visual media, including but not limited to porn, has miseducated both men and women. Instant-arousal, automatic sex scenarios are the norm in them, creating an unrealistic expectation of the same in life. Women who don't respond like that often feel too ashamed to say.
— Aviarian (@aviarian) January 16, 2018

Ford's conclusion? We need to continue the current dialogue and be open with each other about our own sexual experiences. Specifically, we need "more definitive language" to enable us to "have more nuanced discussions" about the physical, mental and emotional damage caused by bad sex.

We're not warring with each other. We're revealing ourselves to each other & that is bound to get messy & uncomfortable. It's okay to feel those things. Just don't. stop. talking. about it. Don't give up on the conversation because it's hard or you feel ashamed. You're not alone.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 16, 2018

Talking more honestly and openly with friends about our sexual experiences – negative or positive – would be a good place to start.

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