Ryan Murphy, the most prolific man in Hollywood, joked yesterday that his next big project would be American Crime Story: Who Bit Beyoncé? Which actually, from his lips, isn't implausible! The guy is already writing a show based on the rivalry between Princess Diana and Prince Charles. Others (namely me) regularly joke that he'll eventually write a show based on Taylor Swift's array of rumoured feuds. The story of an actress nipping at Beyoncé, as told to GQ by one Tiffany Haddish, has turned the internet in one, giant, amoeba-like detective. Fingers are pointing every which way — at Jennifer Lawrence, at Sara Foster, at Sanaa Lathan, and even at baby Blue Ivy Carter. It's all very cinematic, and, in the interest of helping out Saturday Night Live when they decide to write a digital sketch about this, we're going to cast it.
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The Key Players
There are a number of big names involved in this tale, and it's important to make sure all the characters in this pop culture Clue get involved. The party at which the bite took place — an after party following Jay-Z's concert at the Forum in Inglewood, California last December, according to The Cut — had a number of high-profile attendees, among them Rihanna, the rapper G-Eazy, James Franco, French Montana, Queen Latifah, Sanaa Lathan, the actress Sara Foster, and Jennifer Meyer, the jewellery designer who was once married to Tobey Maguire. Thanks to photographic evidence and Vulture's detective work, we know Jennifer Lawrence was not there. Nevertheless, her name has been implicated — who else would 'playfully bite' Beyoncé and pass it off as a party trick? — so she's going to make a cameo in this show.
Thus, the important characters are as follows: Beyoncé, Tiffany Haddish, Sanaa Lathan, Queen Latifah, James Franco, G-Eazy, Jennifer Meyer, Sara Foster, French Montana, Rihanna, and Jennifer Lawrence. The journalist Caity Weaver, who wrote the Haddish profile, will appear throughout the show, always flanked by aggressive reporters. Similarly, there will be a trio of haggard publicists, all working to clear their client's good name. Jay-Z will not appear as a character in the series.
Without further ado...
The Principals
Tiffany Haddish — Jada Pinkett Smith
She's friends with Tiffany, and a big name, so we know viewers will tune in. (Is this how casting directors talk?) Haddish will serve as narrator for this tale, a lá Amy in Gone Girl. She's guiding us through the story, but she's not necessarily telling all.
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Beyoncé — Beyoncé
Again, duh. Who else could play literally the most inimitable celebrity? Like Haddish, though, Beyoncé won't have that much face time on the show. She's got bigger fish to fry.
Caity Weaver — Meghan Markle
Surely she'll come out of retirement for this?
Sanaa Lathan — Regina Hall
Effortlessly comedic, Regina Hall will be the actress to utter, "If I did it would’ve been a love bite." (She will say this coyly in a dimly lit one shot.)
French Montana — Donald Glover
According to a Vulture tipster, the actress in question was dating French Montana. This means French Montana will be in and around the storyline, a key figure thanks to his involvement with the perp. Donald will, at some point, lay down a serious rap about his inner conflict.
The Recurring Characters
Queen Latifah — Queen Latifah
Give us a cameo, please!
Rihanna — N/A
Rihanna will only appear as flashes of a giant fur coat. She will be at once ineffable and indescribable but also the result of special effects. Baz Luhrmann will help storyboard Rihanna's appearances.
James Franco — Dave Franco
Finally, the role of a lifetime for Dave.
G-Eazy — Steve Buscemi
Every show deserves a bit of Buscemi.
Jennifer Meyer — Jennifer Lawrence
Wait? But isn't she also going to play a role later? Great question.
Jennifer Lawrence — Sara Foster
Hang on.
Sara Foster — Jennifer Meyer
Did you just switch up all the blonde celebrities? Yeah, dude.
Can Jennifer Meyer even act? Is that important?
Can Jennifer Meyer even act? Is that important?
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The Trio of Haggard Publicists — Nicole Kidman, Thandie Newton, and Laura Dern
All three will have cropped pixie cuts and will do a lot of yelling.