We Asked An Astrologer Who’ll Win The Election (Because Who Trusts Polls?)

Whether you'd prefer to Get Brexit Done or focus on The Many, Not The Few, the general election is looming ever closer and, through all the memes and screaming, it’s difficult to see who is the best person to lead the country. Last night I dreamed I was Priti Patel’s personal assistant and she demanded I tape mangoes to all her doorframes. It’s spiralling out of control, guys.

In a bid for some sort of clarity, I joined the increasing number of millennials turning to astrology for answers. If it helped me that time I lived under a friend’s dining table and couldn’t get a job (an astrologer gave me some advice that was both incredibly accurate and helpful), then why not now? 

If anything, I’m in more emotional turmoil than I was under that dining table. At least I didn’t have to watch pointless televised debates where neither candidate is given enough time to do anything other than bleat party lines and the people asking the questions have been directed to stare chillingly down the barrel of the camera. And my soul. 

Anyway, to find out what sort of leader Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson would be (because, if we're kind, perhaps the latter hasn’t had the time to settle in), I spoke to legendary astrologer Shelley Von Strunckel, who consulted each of their birth charts – as well as a chart corresponding with the election day itself – to check there won’t be any nasty surprises. Spoiler alert: there could be some nasty surprises.

There is an important distinction between a birth sign – one of 12 distinctive character traits – and a birth chart, in the sense that the chart is an exact map of the heavens corresponding to an individual’s date, place and time of birth, or an occasion in history. Corbyn and Johnson are both Gemini, so the birth charts reveal a more in-depth portrait, but the identical birth sign is notable nonetheless. 

"Leaders don’t tend to be Gemini," says Shelley. "It’s an air sign, which is characterised by thoughts and ideas. They can be leaders if they have the character to really grip onto something, but you usually find Geminis being huge successes in media, where the capacity to shift according to their setting swiftly is valuable."

While Geminis have a knack for leadership – they are renowned quick thinkers, clever and often very flexible – sometimes they can be too flexible. The sign is also characterised by what Shelley terms "the Gemini roving truth".

"Tomorrow you’ll remind them of what they said, and they’ll respond that of course they didn’t say anything of the sort. They may have said those WORDS but they didn’t mean THAT," she explains, as I feel grateful never to have dated a Gemini.

"They're creative, enormously clever charmers but can be childlike, the puerile male who doesn’t want to grow up," Shelley adds, leaving me suspicious of a number of my exes' birth dates. If this childlike puerility sounds familiar, it’s because Donald Trump is a Gemini. Yes, the same Donald Trump who recently tweeted a picture of his head on Rocky’s body.

This influx of air signs (David Cameron and Theresa May are also part of the air gang) is no coincidence. We're in a new era, one dictated by our solar system's movements within our galaxy, and these eras are 2,000 years long. 

We've ended the Piscean Age and find ourselves in the Aquarian Age. While the start date is much debated, events beginning in the 1850s kickstarted a period of intense change and we're still figuring it out.

According to astrologers, the old Piscean Age – typically dominated by hierarchy – has given way to the Age of Aquarius, where the pyramid of power is flattening, women are taking charge, and we are becoming increasingly self-aware. 

"If the old masculine power is very traditional, the new masculine power is innovative," explains Shelley. "We see it in the behaviour of Boris, Corbyn and Trump. We also see it in people starting businesses like Uber and Amazon, who are doing things in a completely new way."

The flattening of the hierarchical pyramid of power is a slow process, Shelley explains, but we’ve seen increased gender equality, the diminishing of traditional male power and the fact that people keep saying things like "Politics didn’t used to be like this". 

No, it did not. Smartphones and the communications boom (an industry that is very much linked to Gemini) have contributed to a complete overhaul of life as we know it. Press offices can now *coughs* rebrand themselves as fact-checkers on Twitter, democratic Brexit campaigns can be seemingly corrupted, and eating a bacon sandwich can be a legitimate way to lose an election. These drastic changes in how our country is governed are only going to broaden and evolve as time progresses.

So! Which of these two Geminis is most fit to lead the country through this exciting but faintly terrifying new Age of Aquarius? 

"Corbyn has four of the 10 heavenly bodies in the sign of Gemini, so benefits from cleverness. However, he also has five planets in fixed signs, which shows an inability to imagine doing anything differently. While Geminis can be flexible and charming, if you have half the planets in fixed signs like Corbyn does, then you’re going to be the sort of person that gets annoyed by minor changes; they'll holiday in the same place. The virtue? Being determined. The liability? Being unable to see alternatives. It’s not that he’s ignoring different ways of going about things, but with this many planets in fixed signs, it doesn’t even cross his mind. He can’t see it.

"Neptune, the planet of vision and idealism, powerfully placed in Corbyn’s chart, reflects his staunch idealism. He has two planets in the sign of Taurus, which signifies money, and indicates an interest in it; however, because it’s a fixed sign, he has a tendency to get stuck on certain concepts. Let’s just hope the people on his staff are able to introduce a sense of fluidity!

"Much has been made of his apparent incompetence, but with those 'fixed' signs, his defence is to do exactly the same thing which, in turn, inspires a lack of trust. In other words, he may be on top of things, but appearing so is not his straight-A skill.

"Another skill he lacks is in inspiring others, despite having the vision, which is again because of this very fixed thinking. Interestingly, and unlike Johnson, he has no planets in Virgo, which is a down-to-earth sign that signifies both cleverness and getting things done. The position of Saturn in his chart – which indicates an ability to make it to the top of the mountain – suggests that while he appears like an elder statesman these days, he’s less flexible in his ability to take charge. And so is less apt to assume this statesmanlike role than Boris Johnson."

"Boris Johnson also has four heavenly bodies in Gemini, but only three planets in fixed signs, so is a little less rigid. Both of them have the Gemini convivial charm but Boris is kind of an ideas factory. They sound good, those ideas. That doesn’t mean he’ll turn them into action, although he does have two planets in clever, earth, practical Virgo. When he was mayor of London, despite the criticisms, he did get certain things done; that Virgo element is clever and task-orientated. Now, however, he’s dealing with international policy which is quite different.

"Now, faced with complex solutions to complex problems, he's embraced the flamboyant side of Gemini. Mars, the planet of ego and energy, is powerfully positioned in Johnson's chart and that, coupled with the Gemini theatrical side, indicates his knack for making his solutions seem more enticing than they perhaps are, especially if he feels less confident. We see it less in Corbyn, but the number of newsreaders and actors who are Gemini is incredible.

"That Gemini youthful charm worked when Boris was mayor – he could alter policies like bendy buses, and talk excitedly about garden bridges. But when you move into more serious politics, where diplomacy and formality are important, it's an issue. While according to their birth charts, neither Corbyn nor Johnson are 'naturals' for the national and international political arena, the position of tough, practical Saturn in Boris' chart suggests he could assume statesmanlike behaviour if he decides to. It’s just whether or not he decides to!"

"Bizarrely, this chart suggests there may be a flaw in the election. This is reflected by the strong position of Uranus, the planet of the unexpected. Either the election will show an unexpected landslide or an unexpected problem with the mechanics of the actual voting process.

"We haven’t discussed the Liberal Democrats in too much detail, but it’s interesting that Jo Swinson is an Aquarius, considering we have entered the Age of Aquarius. It’s also interesting that, in a recent article in The Times, ex-Conservative MP Matthew Parris urged people to vote Lib Dem to swing the house towards rationality.

"The Lib Dems are very much an upstart party that are beginning to now get a little traction. That may be part of the upset I’m seeing on the day – it would be very fitting for the Age of Aquarius!

"But even if it isn't, the increasing popularity of the Lib Dems and this growing need for political upheaval all points to the fact that there is a wider context here. This election is the start of a longer term evolution, rather than the be-all and end-all. The narrative is very much that this is it, but it’s just the beginning of an exciting age of shifting perceptions and power. What happens on 12th December isn't something that we’re stuck with forever; we have a long way to go yet."

Okay, so there you have it. This is what the stars say about our prospective prime ministers and what may or may not happen later this week. Make of this what you will because if we’ve learned anything since the 2016 EU referendum result, it’s that there’s no point making predictions when it comes to British politics.