Famous Last Words: Japanese Police Want To Talk To Logan Paul

Logan Paul is yet more proof that having pecs does not equate to deserving a platform. If you haven’t heard, the YouTube Star (a term I’m still only sure works while making air quotation marks at the same time) uploaded a video to his ridiculously well-followed channel entitled — this, unlike Paul himself, is not a joke — “We found a dead body in the Japanese Suicide Forest.”

The video detailed Paul’s journey to Aokigahara, which is a forest known as a site where people go to take their lives. “This is not clickbait,” Paul said. “This is the most real vlog I’ve ever posted to this channel. I think this definitely marks a moment in YouTube history because I’m pretty sure this has never hopefully happened to anyone on YouTube ever.”

Rightfully the internet was in disbelief, meeting the usually adored vlogger with fury. Japanese people are outraged, the police even want a word. It’s scary — especially Paul’s use of the word ‘hopefully’ and his glee at the thought of marking a moment in 'YouTube history' — that Paul’s thirst for 'likes' overshadowed literally any thought for the person whose body he found. It’s symptomatic of a wider problem, one we all know we have — one which puts likes and views above morality and reality. Perhaps Logan is the medicine we need in this climate of attention-as-currency; it’s just a travesty he had to use a dead body and an issue as serious as suicide to administer it.

Another nature-focussed man this week was Justin Timberlake, who released a video with news of his new album earnestly entitled Man Of The Woods. “It feels so earthy,” Pharrell profoundly proclaims as the two mega-moguls jam it out in the studio, before a literal shot of JT in a fringe jacket herding horses. But Timberlake isn’t the first to really revisit the 'real' of late — he takes his place in a long line of wanna-Beys who have taken any form of fantasy out of their pop, some which worked (Miley, Gaga, Kesha) and some which didn’t (Jessie J omg). I’m sure that like most things Timberlake touches it’ll be deeply, back-sweatingly sexy, but here’s hoping it’s the last hurrah for this popstar-turned-Messiah-of-real-life-purveyor-of-divine-truth vibe everyone keeps hocking. For 2018 all we want is a little fantasy.

Speaking of global pop icons, Britney ended her four-year residency at Las Vegas’ AXIS Theatre this week. A concert of legendary proportions, her boyfriend and sister turned out to share Brit’s farewell after the Piece of Me show left its last piece in Vegas. Who knows what’s next — but our Lord Godney, who appears happy and healthy, is hopefully ready to share the next piece of her with her fans. And I, for one, will be waiting for it with breath that is bated.

Sarah Paulson — the world’s best and favourite power celesbian — declared this week that she wanted to reclaim the word ‘selfish’, explaining in an interview with Town & Country that she thinks the word, and the attitude that comes with it, gets a bad rep. She also admitted that she doesn’t want children: a standpoint pretty much nobody ever can ever seem to understand when it’s women who are saying it. Why would Paulson want the role of mum though, when she’s already proving to us all that she can kill any role she’s offered?

And finally, everyone’s favourite heiress Paris Hilton will be taking on the role of wifey soon, after her gorjjjj proposal to “best friend” and one-year boyfriend Chris Zylka on the slopes of Aspen just two days ago. If like me you’re on a constant hunt to stop the passage of time by engaging only with things that were hot like, 11 years ago, then you’ll be as excited by this news as me and Paris, who excitedly said "I am so excited". The fragrance revolutionary and radical anarchist will undoubtedly have a way better wedding than Haz and Markle, especially since there's still no sign of a royal public holiday.