You've probably heard of the Madonna-Whore complex before and know that it has to do with sex, women and a whole lot of misogyny — but a lot of us don't know what it actually means.
If you've seen Sex and the City, you might recall the storyline between Charlotte and her husband Trey when she had to show him her "sexual side" to get him sexually interested in her. Charlotte believed she needed to stop him from seeing her as his wife and instead see her as a sexual object because he didn't believe or feel he could be promiscuous in his marriage. That, in a nutshell, is the Madonna-Whore complex.
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The Madonna-Whore complex was coined by one of psychology's greatest (and most controversial) names, Sigmund Freud, in the early 1900s. Madonna refers to the Virgin Mary (not the famous pop singer, in case you were confused) and whore is, well, derogatory and pretty self-explanatory.
Freud had identified a dichotomous pattern in his male patients where they seemed to regard women either as saints (aka virtuous, chaste and sacred) that they loved or as sex workers (aka sexual, promiscuous and desirable) that they lusted after — and they couldn't seem to reconcile both these virtues in a single person. In more modern terms, this dichotomy might mean you're either marriage material or you're sexually desirable, but people with this complex can't see you as both.
"The Madonna-Whore Complex (also known as the Madonna-Mistress Complex) is a construct of male psychology and attitudes that constrains female sexuality by categorising a woman in a very binary way; as either ‘pure and good’, or ‘promiscuous and bad’, which negatively impacts the mental well-being, sexual function, and relational health and intimacy of all genders," explains Carly Dober, psychologist and Headspace app’s Mental Health Expert.
As Dober points out, this complex has evolved since Freud's time and the Madonna-Mistress complex can certainly apply across all genders, though it does remain prevalent among men towards women due to its inherently misogynistic nature. And whilst we generally as a society have made great strides in being able to appreciate women for their multifacetedness, the Madonna-Whore complex can still show up (thanks to years of misogynistic messaging) in people's ways of thinking and subsequently, in their relationships and sex lives.
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"[The Madonna-Whore complex] can show up in relationships when partners choose to be committed together, have children together, get engaged or married, and get 'serious'," Dober explains. "You’ll find that the sexual tension and intensity in long-term relationships can naturally wane over time for periods, however, this is something different." If it starts to show up for someone in the partnership and they start to see their partner/s differently (aka, stop seeing them sexually), this can of course impact and even halt sex in the relationship.
"[It's] when your partner will feel uncomfortable sexualising you, engaging in sex acts that you may have shared and enjoyed previously, and they’ll say or think things like ‘…I can’t do that with my married partner, that’s not right…' or ‘…you can’t make a ho a housewife…’," Dober continues. "It can impact connection, closeness, sexual health and satisfaction levels, as well as the person’s self-confidence, cause confusion, and maintain regressive sexual and gender roles that aren’t helpful."
If you notice that you or your partner/s might be adopting this complex over time, it'll be important to address it before any damage is done to individuals or the relationship.
"Critically analyse why and where these beliefs come from, who they serve by being upheld, and how you’d ultimately like your sexual life to look over the years with your person," Dober suggests. "Conversations can sometimes be ongoing, as belief systems like this have sometimes taken years or decades of conditioning [to form]. Intimacy tips include talking about how you embody your sexuality and attempting to invite sensuality back into the relationship mindfully."
"If this is still an issue, connecting with a psychologist or sex therapist is a great option, while also engaging in regular mindfulness (Headspace App has some great self-guided meditations), movement, socialising, and, most importantly, understanding it says nothing about you as a person."
So, of course, you can be both married or a long-term partner and still be a sexual being, and no one should ever make you feel as though you're only one or the other. The Madonna-Whore complex is an antiquated and truly misogynistic concept that we definitely need to address if it comes up in our relationships, especially if it's hurting our self-esteem and/or our sex lives — because we can do both, and we like it that way.