Hump, Marry, Kill: I Wanna Channing Your Tatum

Hump: Procedural police dramas? Not my thing. Nevertheless, when I heard that noted Lady Mary devirginizer (and then expirer) Theo James (Pamuk the Turkish diplomat) was starring on CBS’ latest cop drama, Golden Boy, I had to check it out. And by “check it out,” I mean watch with the sound turned really low while surfing the Internet and turning periodically to stare at James’ razor-sharp cheekbones and bee-stung pout. I couldn’t tell you what happened on Golden Boy, but I can tell you all about the many deep contours of Theo James' face and his slightly crooked nose. And that’s knowledge I can do...absolutely nothing with. Score.

Marry: The Oscars kind of passed in a blur this year. On the plus side, Seth MacFarlane managed to make it through without once resorting to talking like Stewie Griffin. On the minus side: Most of the things that came out of his mouth were stupid. But if you thought MacFarlane’s “Aren’t you glad I didn’t sing this song about boobs that I’m actually going to show you a fake, pre-made video of me singing, ha ha ha?” shtick was the only song about body parts ABC aired on Oscar night, think again.

After the Oscars (damn, those things were long), Jimmy Kimmel did his annual post-awards episode. The main event during the post-Oscars show is always a celeb-cameo-laden video (remember The Handsome Men’s Club?), but this year’s trailer for Movie: The Movie: 2V was pretty eh. Luckily, Jimmy managed to snag Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx as his guests for the night, and Foxx totally stole the show with a little ditty he wrote called “I Wanna Channing Your Tatum,” which featured a verse about doing naughty things to Jimmy Kimmel’s mom in jorts. Even Tatum doing his go-to floor humping Magic Mike moves on a grand piano couldn’t steal the spotlight.

Kill: I was kind of intrigued when I saw the pilot for The CW’s Cult in the fall, but now that two episodes have aired, I’m not as enamored. The basic premise: A washed-up reporter is searching for his missing brother, and it seems like the disappearance is related to a CW show called Cult (yes, there’s a show within the show called the same thing as the show. It’s like Inception, but then you realize “Hey, wait...I could be watching Inception instead of this.”) that has a rabid fanbase that has maybe/possibly turned into — wait for it — an actual cult.

Anyway, a brooding reporter just happens to bump into a gorgeous researcher on the show named Skye (Jessica Lucas) when he goes to the set to look for clues as to where his brother could be, and the two of them team up because gorgeous researcher’s dad also went missing because of something that might have to do with the show and its creator. Confused yet? Yeah, me too.

Unfortunately, reporter and researcher are pretty much the worst journalist and fact-seeker of all time, with Skye basically unable to Google things on the show she researches for. Let’s not trivialize the important task of fact-checkers here, CW. Get some researchers on Cult (the actual show, not the fake show within the show...oh, I give up) to research what a researcher on a show actually does. Now excuse me, I’m gonna go wash all this meta off.