Female Viagra, Without The Chemicals? We Tried It.

Here's a sentence we read recently: "Exactly how the music facilitates easier orgasms for women is not understood." Indeed. That excerpt is from a press release for Auditory Pheromones by Extatica, a new "discovery" that is being touted as female Viagra, sans chemicals.

Before you ask — yes. It's exactly what it sounds like. Also, we are going to spend the rest of this day making ear-related sex puns, and friends and colleagues are encouraged to deal with it. Extatica supposedly offers "faster arousal, easier and more numerous orgasms for women, even mind-blowing, full-body Extatica-style orgasms for both partners." Honestly, Ellen Eatough ("The Soulful Sex Coach") explains it best:

Now, we're all for getting in the mood with a great playlist. But, this is more than just a scene-setter. The science behind this is, to say the least, unproven. This writer tried it, and you can read about it below. Or, just go ahead and order it for yourself right now, right here. Refinery29 is not responsible for sudden ear fetishes that may or may not crop up as a result.

So, it's 3:03 in the morning, which honestly feels like the only appropriate time to try something as ridiculous as this. I am preparing to go on a sexual journey that will supposedly make me and my boyfriend/live-in sex partner feel whatever emotions can possibly be evoked by musical tracks entitled "Sky Dancing" and "Deeper Still."

(Full disclosure: I have eaten about 1/3 of a jar of Nutella in the last hour.)

I know I am laying on the snark here, but in all honesty, there are some nice tips in the accompanying e-book that I received with my Extatica mp3 download, for free! There is an announcer who sounds like his day job involves commercials for insurance companies, which I find reassuring, because insurance companies have been known to deliver a good screw (badum-ch! Jokes!). One suggestion is that heterosexual couples (who are not, incidentally, the only intended target of this venerable publication) try to get their arousal rates at a similar pace. Cool! I also learned that "masculine (or yang) sexual energy is like fire, which goes up." Feminine (yin) energy, on the other hand, "trickles down like water." The words "hot and juicy" are used (not to describe Cinnabons, which, in my mind, is the only appropriate time for such language). I have also learned that women, such as myself, require more "emotional foreplay" to get us away from the computer. Extatica, how did you know?

Armed with this revelatory insight, we've decided to dive right into the mp3. There are six tracks and the whole thing lasts about an hour, which is honestly a pretty terrifying prospect. Not making any judgments on anyone's abilities or stamina, but just saying, that's not happening.

In retrospect, I will say that Extatica Auditory Pheromones' greatest weakness is also its greatest strength. Pro: I felt like I was in a Lord of the Rings softcore parody. Con: I felt like I was in a Lord of the Rings softcore parody. Also con: Male subject did not look enough like Viggo Mortensen to make the scene convincing. Pro: We got a chance to practice our Elvish, and around the house I shall now be referred to as Evenstar.

Some of the music was just what you would expect: Pretty crappy jazz-fusion elevator music, with a predictably "sexy" mood to it. Some of it, though, was downright bewildering. Around track four, I felt like I was maybe in the middle of a motivational seminar led by...Criss Angel? Again, not that I'm not into that, but I just don't know if this was the right moment. The biggest obstacle for me was that I couldn't stop laughing, which made the experience fun and awesome, but not exactly a way to deepen our intimacy.

The e-mail preceding the download comes with the warning that you may feel the urge to stop your coitus and talk about your relationship. That did not happen. We did talk about which celebrities we most wanted to bang (me, Tom Hiddleston; him, and I quote, "Pretty much any woman in any Italian movie from the '60s or '70s"). Overall, I don't think this is really meant for people who don't have an extremely barren sex life at the moment. This music might help you feel like you're in a low-budget movie sex scene, which in turn might help you get out of your own body and experiment. But, if you are a human who has actually had sex in the past six months, this is just going to make you feel ridiculous. But, hey, don't knock it 'til you try it. After all, it's easier, cheaper, and probably more hilarious than taking a pill.