Hump, Marry, Kill: Scott Hamilton’s My Hype Man

Hump: I hope to one day be as excited about anything as Scott Hamilton is when he’s commentating on ice skating. Seriously, the man can get me more amped about a layback spin than the birth of my first child. Wait...do you think Scott Hamilton is available to live-narrate life events and milestones? Maybe he can attend said birth and be my hype man. Think about it, Scott. I’m not pregnant or anything, just something we should both consider.

Also, shoutout to my main girl Surya Bonaly, still the most boss figure skater ever. Peep the unitard, backflip, one-blade landing (the only person in Olympic history to do it), straight into a triple Salchow. Your move, Gracie Gold.

Marry: It’s time we talked about the secret weapon of sitcoms, one Marc Evan Jackson. Now, I first fell in love with Jackson via his sonorous voice when he played O. Henry on Paul F. Tompkin’s Dead Authors Podcast. I have a deep affection for O. Henry to begin with (yes, I’m talking about the early twentieth century short-story writer who never met an ironic-twist ending he didn’t like; a.k.a. the American Guy de Maupassant), but listening to the wry Jackson-as-O. Henry exchange barbs with British depictor-of-the-downtrodden Charles Dickens was like nirvana for this erstwhile English major who now writes about Kim Kardashian’s hair color for a living. But, I digress.

Jackson popped up on Parks and Recreation as Trevor Nelsson, the lawyer tasked with taking down Rent-a-Swag, and the only person in Pawnee entirely immune to Tom Haverford’s energetic-puppy charm. And, I knew that voice. It took me a little while to place it — by “little while,” I mean, the time it took to IMDb the episode, then Google “Marc Evan Jackson podcast.” I’m like the Sherlock Holmes of placing voices and guest stars. I can’t believe there isn’t a PBS series about me costarring Ben Whishaw as my Watson.

Since then, Marc Evan Jackson’s been popping up all over the place. This week, he starred as Captain Holt’s (Andre Braugher) New Yorker-loving husband Kevin Cozner on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. And, of course, his droll intellectualism proved the perfect foil to anything Andy Samberg did. Someone get this guy like 3,049,834 voiceover deals. I’m looking at you, Geico.

Kill: This is as painful for me as it is for you. I never thought I’d see Adam Brody in the kill slot, either. That is, until he showed up as a romantic foil to my main man Nick Miller on New Girl. Playing a character named Berkley. Great university, terrible name for a human being. You stay away from Jess now, Berkley. Also, you spelled Berkeley wrong. #knowledge