Hump, Marry, Kill: Figure Skating Edition

Hump: I’m currently offering up a thousand feels for Yulia Lipnitskaya, not just because she looks exactly like I did when I was 9 (although as my mom jokingly reminded me when I sent her this photo, I don’t have a medal), but also because of the rough road I know she has ahead of her. I, too, was a teen perfectionist, and any time something went wrong, I was automatically a thousand times more disappointed in myself than the people I thought I'd let down.

Therefore, I can't even fathom that what it feels like for that crushing disappointment to be intensified by an entire country — the Olympic host, no less — pinning their hopes for glory on you. After her dazzling performance that helped bring the Russian team gold in the team skate, it really seemed like Lipnitskaya was going to come out of nowhere to become Russia’s first women’s figure skating champion at the age of 15. Sadly, after falling in both her short and free programs, it wasn’t meant to be.

Although every phenom needs a setback or two to learn how to handle defeat, I worry she puts enough pressure on herself already. Any more and she might not make it to the podium to win gold in 2018. She’s probably on the ice right now practicing triple jumps, replaying the falls in her mind. I feel you, Yulia. It'll hopefully all be okay.

Marry: I don't care that she only got the mother-effing silver (although major props to Adelina on the complete upset, and I assume we’re all wearing nude gloves this weekend in support of her badassery?); all hail Queen Yuna, who makes every program look like gorgeously emoted ballet on ice. And seriously, imagine if a female skater was the most famous athlete in our country? She's like the David Beckham of South Korea (it says a lot about my knowledge of sports that I can’t name the most famous athlete in our country). It just warms my icy feminist heart how beloved Yuna Kim is in her homeland. I hope she can relax and retire now that it’s over.

Kill: I’m sorry; I wanted to root for Ashley Wagner, I did. But, the faces. They’re just not necessary. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about Olympic judges, it’s that they don’t really like the overly fierce, trying-to-seduce-you, Sasha-Fierceness some athletes pull. I know that Wagner came to the Olympics with a somewhat controversial berth on the team and really wanted to prove herself, but just take it back like, five notches, girl. It’s great to be powerful, but please leave the mugging up to Toddlers & Tiaras contestants.