Hump, Marry, Kill: Fargo? You Betcha

Hump: Remember when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton were married, and she wore a vial of his blood around her neck, and every time they showed up at an award show, she’d tell a red-carpet interviewer that they’d just had sex in the limo? I’m not here to judge other people’s personal sexfrences or jewelry choices...just to say that I was around 14 or so at the time, and that was my first real introduction to Billy Bob Thornton. A guy who has sex in limos and then tells reporters about it. Saying things just for shock value weren’t really my jam back then (and they still aren’t), so needless to say, I wasn’t that impressed with Billy Bob.

Watching Fargo, however, I can now sort of see what Angelina found so alluring about Thornton. He’s got the gaunt, "mysterious hit man who speaks mostly in metaphors" thing down, and I’m digging it. The weird plaid coats with fur collars, the strange mid-forehead bangs, the outlaw moral code...they’re alllllll working for me.

Marry: If you haven’t been watching Archer: Vice, you need to get on that ASAP before the show “unreboots” next season, and the gang is no longer attempting to smuggle large amounts of cocaine and stage military coups in South America. Plus, Lana’s finally going to have her baby on the finale this Monday, and you just know that Archer (who’s looking studlier than ever with his jail beard) is going to step up and be a father figure (albeit a horrible one) to that kid. I realize it’s a cartoon, but seriously, this is some of the sharpest comedy on TV right now. Get on it. Phrasing!

Kill: I get it: Introducing new main characters in a show’s fourth season is hard — especially when the show’s set in high school, and we’re talking about teens in their senior year. They don’t want new friends; they’re too busy trying to make the most out of their last year together with the ones they have. Groups of high school seniors are probably some of the most insular you’ll ever encounter. Just watch Dazed and Confused.

The actress who played Ming on Awkward wanted out, so the producers dealt with it by having her character opt to finish her senior year at a boarding school at least a thousand miles away from California. The problem is that Jenna’s core group has always consisted of three people, and without Ming there to ground the triangle, the Jenna/Tamara dynamic is too frazzled to maintain — as are the limited plotline capabilities.

I see the need to introduce another character into the mix, which they’re trying to do with the overly explicit Eva; I just wish they’d give Jenna and Tamara a little more time to bemoan the loss of their best friend. This is 2014; someone moving away doesn’t have to mean the complete radio silence it did when my childhood best friend moved to another state the summer before we started kindergarten (still not over it; can you tell?). They’d be texting/Snapchatting/FaceTiming/tweeting/Instagramming/emailing/calling (do teens still do that?) one another all time time. I’m pretty sure boarding-school students are allowed some phone/computer privileges.

They don’t need to show the girls actually speaking to Ming (because again, the actress wanted off the show), just alluding to the fact that their best friend left, and they miss her and are trying to stay in touch. As with it as the show tries to be, this feels like a glaring misstep. Plus, all Tamara and no Ming to counterbalance her manic personality is just too much.