These Dumb Lesbian Sex Tips Are A Sign of Progress

Attention, lesbians: Sex has changed forever. Or, in the notably weird argot of Cosmopolitan, lesbians will “never sex the same way again.” Their list of "28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions" is the first gay-themed sex guide to run on the website of the magazine famous for endlessly enumerating ways to "drive your man wild." Lesbians, we have been mainstreamed — and I suppose we should be thankful. But, as any indie-rock fan will tell you, popularity is a double-edged sword.

Cosmo’s venture into the mysterious and generally misunderstood world of girl-on-girl sexy time is both bold and perplexing. I found myself craning my neck and squinting my eyes, trying to decide if I was looking at a guide for sex positions or one for aerial yoga. While going through the animated slideshow featuring two long-haired ladies, I could hear the question some of my straight, female friends have asked me following one too many vodka sodas:

The answers are now here, for all Cosmo readers to see — kind of. Yes, the slideshow features a fair number of real-lesbian activities: Clit rubbing? Sure. Penetration using hands and toys? Yep. Grinding? Great. But now, these classics come with a host of new, fancy, Cosmo terms.

I’m not quite sure what my girlfriend will do when I suggest trying out “Defying Gravity," in which she sits on a chair while I do a handstand and wrap my caboose around her face. It's not clear if she’ll like it, but I'll definitely get a great workout. When my arms buckle and she can breathe again, maybe I will offer to try the “Hot Hair Salon.” This is the one where I take her from behind while pulling her hair. We’ve done this for years, but now it has a really fun name involving salons, which we love (because we’re ladies).

And, lest Cosmo be accused of shying away from controversy, there it is: "The Classic Scissor," the Area 51 of lesbian sex positions. In it, both partners lay on their sides, straddling each other’s legs and grinding their clit-bits — at least, according to legend. While apparently some lesbians swear by it, the move is widely believed to be a myth, born of the tortured imaginings of some straight guy who can’t imagine sex that’s not crotch-to-crotch. Yet Cosmo states that this position is a “classic for a reason,” as if expecting all lesbians to smile and nod in agreement.

There are some real gems: I’m happy to cross “The Bridge to Pleasuretown," where I will put two pillows under my lady’s hips, kneel between her legs, toss her legs over my shoulders, and do what I was made to do. I am also a fan of “The Rocket," which I believe was invented by lesbians before it became a Beyoncé song about sitting one’s ass on another person’s face.

But, for all the giggling and critiquing I did while reading this article, I’m glad it exists. Was it a little silly, more than a little contrived, and maybe, just maybe, secretly written by a 24-year-old straight guy? Yes — just like the straight-people sex lists Cosmo has been churning out for years. And maybe, just maybe, some still-closeted girl in a less-enlightened corner of the country will see this list and feel a refreshing dash of normalcy.

Plus, this gives me another reason to check out Cosmo before the next time Jennifer Lawrence shows up on the cover.