Amy Schumer’s Butt Shapewear Will Get You A Boyfriend

Amy Schumer has made fun of our societal obsession with female behinds and how it ballooned out of proportion in the past year. On last night's Inside Amy Schumer, the comedian was back to mock the "year of the booty" with a much more targeted, Columbusing attack. "Black and Latino men have enjoyed a shapely bottom for years! But now, even normal guys are into it," Martin Daniels says at the start of the informercial for "Swanks." The joke, of course, being now that white men have decided they're into a certain female body type and aesthetic, it's the male-gaze ideal to which all women should aspire. It's also a skewering of the painful lengths women often go to in an effort to modify their bodies to fit the current trendy aesthetic.  Swanks Push 'em Downs are a new type of shapewear "named very much without her permission after Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry." Using vague NASA and bungee technology, Swanks push your glutes up and breasts down until they somehow succeed in making your butt larger. There may be slight internal bleeding, but it's totally worth it because it leads to "major external hotness." In the medical community, that's a condition known as "Worth it!"  "Times and what white guys like have changed, and it's my responsibility as a role model to change with them," Amy Schumer notes in her product testimonial. "Wearing Swanks means that I can be taken seriously — and keep my TV show!" (A callback, of course, to her brilliant 12 Angry Men parody where an all-male jury debated if Schumer was attractive enough to be allowed on television.) She thanks Swanks for her new-and-improved ass and "washboard chest" as a little blood dribbles out of her mouth. What's a little internal bleeding if it means your body conforms to the current white male ideal though, am I right, ladies?