Scream Queens Episode 6 Recap: Seven Minutes In Hell

More like an hour of dimly lit purgatory! I’m not sure what horrific sin the few, the proud, the loyal Scream Queens fans did to deserve ZERO NIECY NASH in Episode 6, but it must have been even more shameful than chasing the cobwebs out of old people or gleefully banging the non-rich. Insert 50 tasteless genitalia jokes here because I'm at my wit's end! It’s slumber party time at the Kappa house and suddenly the sisters are locked inside their cavernous tomb-home with no escape from each other’s sheer pastel loungewear and the pesky serial killer roaming within. “It’s probably my dad,” says Grace. “He did this because I wouldn’t listen.” Ugh, Nancy Drew, no one cares about your fashion hats. No, the reason they’re trapped is because Original Chanel watched Panic Room on Netflix, and she totes bought into the themes and everything, but Jodie Foster’s anxiety cell was far too small and gross in the movie. So Chanel went ahead and had a failsafe locking system installed on the whole sorority house. Whoops! The kill switch is on backorder and her gifted satellite phone (designed for space travel) is the only one that works. The murders were coming from inside the house! Let’s review tonight’s three deaths, only one of which was as sad as the non-return of last week’s hilarious opening credits:

1. Brother Caulfield The same “armless bastard” who lost his limbs defending Chad against the Red Devil naturally had trouble climbing a ladder using just two feet and a full belly of canned pasta. So it’s off with his head, croquet-style. Sorry, bro. I’m just glad it wasn’t Chad. Glen Powell and Emma Roberts’ characters are absurd monsters (romantic in its own two-headed beast way, I guess), but I’m loving their chemistry as actors – they’re just constantly over-the-top mugging each other to death which is only fitting on a show devoted to senseless murder. Chad and Chanel’s sacred pinkie-pledged union is a bright spot in a sea of drippy wax figures and candle vloggers who can’t even accept the basic tenets of Truth or Dare.

Plus, who else could so cluelessly but accurately cue up Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping” on a ready-made playlist called “Douche” right before the lesbian gets suffocated in the bloody bathtub? All hail the magic of Chad!

2. Sam the Pledge a.k.a. “Predatory Lez” I’ll actually really miss this one. In her fierce effort to look as indifferent as possible, Sam had one of the strongest personalities in the Kappa house, and she was hot in an “if Bruce Lee were a DJ” kind of way. Of course the most relatable one in the house had to die. One of the episode’s biggest, pinkest phallic figures deemed it must be so.

Note to future predators: Never make Charles Manson’s daughter fall in love with you or even wonder about you, and definitely don’t tell her sorority sisters about said. Fun fact: The last guy who Chanel No. 3 dated became so obsessed with her ears he had to leave school, and that’s why she wears earmuffs. Okay. This whole time I’ve been thinking the ‘muffs were a nod to the actress’ real-life mom, Carrie Fisher/Princess Leia. But what if she’s also communicating with someone through those things? Like a killer? Or better yet, aliens. “I knew it was you,” Sam coolly confirmed once the Red Devil removed his/her mask. “You don’t have to do this. I can help you.” My best guess for this particular Red Devil is Boone, the ostracized gay frat bro who faked his own death in episode 1. (This is even grosser than the size of Jodie Foster’s panic room, but I have to wonder whose fresh blood was already lining the bottom of the tub in the KKT cellar of secrets. Does the Bathtub Baby scene somehow materialize in the flesh every night or is it just for slumber parties?) Back to the lady action. Terrible horrible Hester/Chanel No. 6/Lea Michele “finds” Sam dead in the tub, then suggests Chad Radwell stay by her to make sure she’s not the killer. “Screw that, Evil Harrington,” Original Chanel fired back because these girls are at least 65 years old. Agh, it’s too awful. Someone else has to die. 3. Rodger, he of Roger and Dodger non-fame The other twin in Chanel No. 5’s “Eiffel Tower” situation has joined his brother in the afterlife. It’s okay; they belong together. Poor guy got nail-gunned to the floor as Abigail Breslin stood and stared, an evil old lady clutching her giant pearls and thanking God she won’t have to withstand another minute of blather about the twins’ secret clicking language. [CUE AGONIZING SERIES OF CLICKS] and whew! He’s dead. It was not close. Now what? How about a trap door? Sure! The Kappa house has an extensive series of underground tunnels no one but Chanel knew about, obviously, so new co-presidents Chanel and Zayday cheerfully descend into the hall of former presidents and future murders to figure a way out of this funhouse. Uh oh. Here comes another Red Devil, wielding double axes and a blatant disregard for the beautiful tiles.

This one was close! The Red Devil swings and misses Zayday not once, but five times. Is it too convenient? Maybe, but no more convenient than Chanel knocking him out at the last minute with some sort of glass bucket. I have no idea at this point who’s supposed to be killing/pretending to kill or befriending/pretend-friending who at this point. The important thing is that the girls popped out of their front lawn alive and well.

And now they have giant pink chopsticks.

And finally there was a dance party! So just ignore that other Red Devil staring at Hester through the window as she delights in her festival of freaks. It’s like he’s not even there. Same with Scream Queens, it turns out — the show will Tuesdays after the World Series on Fox, so have weeks to ponder just what kind of “wake up with my penis in a jar lunatic” Lea Michele really is. ’Til then, Haggie Gyllenhaals! Always be screaming.