American Horror Story: Hotel — Episode 3 Recap

The ageless wonder Angela Bassett has emerged! Meet Ramona Royale, a ’70s Blaxploitation star turned ‘80s vampiric concubine for the show’s other “rarefied timeless creature,” the Countess Lady Gaga. In episode 3, “Mommy,” Ramona kidnaps Donovan (Matt Bomer) and purifies his blood before realizing he’s the Countess’ latest castoff and not the drop of red wine currently closest to her heart. The horror! Outta my mansion, junkie! Angela Bassett and Lady Gaga’s love story was by far the most riveting and shoulder pad-enhanced plot of the night. I could watch an entire series based solely on the elevator sequence showing the deterioration of their relationship over time!

1986 was so Ab Fab I can’t stand it. The pair split in 1991 after the Countess murdered Ramona’s rapper love interest Prophet Moses and everyone in his recording studio. But she didn’t do it for love. She did it because she sensed someone copying her trademarked “suck the ancient blood virus from my breast” move.

And what the Countess really can’t stand (besides poverty) is one of her creations creating something else. “There can only be one queen.” Now Ramona Royale wants revenge, so she’s after the one thing the Countess really cares about (besides thongs). No, not Donovan, you fool. All those babies she made! Time to take a sharp turn: Here’s Chloe Sevigny’s smell-my-dead-son acting (similar to the Joey Tribiani smell-the-fart technique from Friends, but more Method):

“He smelled like a lavender field in the South of France.” Alex, the crusader pediatrician wife of Detective Wes Bentley, has always been obsessed with her firstborn Holden, who was snatched from them five years ago and now lives contentedly, sleepily, as one of The Countess’ sugared-up blood babies. (Perhaps Alex was psychosomatically channeling her son from afar as she attempted to bleed out in a bathtub?) Their mother-son bond is so strong that it’s kept Alex from loving anything else in life, including her husband and other child. She wants a divorce, but when her husband plays the “I’m going crazy in this creepy hotel” card, she agrees to not only tuck him in but hook up with him hard on the master murder bed. Wes is all “Let’s make another baby” and Chloe’s all Not while I’m wearing this beret; DEAL WITH IT.

“Is this hell? No. If this were hell, I would be the one in that awful Zara knockoff you’re wearing.” Add Naomi Campbell to the tally of ghosts running around the Hotel Cortez to help ensure all living patrons are miserable. Not even her cell phone could save her as Max Greenfield came alive from inside her mattress to stab her to death. Yay! More bloody Naomi Campbell forever and ever. Anyway, the supermodel’s insult drives Chloe Sevigny to drift in schoolmarm-y shame down the hallway to possibly nowhere. She smells something French and floral, something that’s not a dead body… and he recognizes her, too!

“Hi Mommy.” Aggggghhhhh! “I had so much fiber in my diet, I shit my pants at school.” Donovan and Iris (Kathy Bates) fight at length re: what a terrible mother she’s been, but the only specifics we actually get are that she left his deadbeat dad and joined an insane vegetarian cult. Security and nutrition?! GTFO, mom. “Kill yourself,” Donovan seethes before heading out to gulp the tainted blood of other hot homeless weirdos. ”I don’t know who I am if I’m not your mother,” Iris blinked and wept. Ugh, what misery. Kathy Bates confirms her own death wish, and luckily that’s exactly Sarah Paulson semi-lives for. Hypodermic Sally is all in to murder Iris — as long as she has no unfinished business in the hotel. “Don’t haunt my hallways, bitch.” At the last minute, “Dono” returns to bring his suffocated mom back to life via the ancient blood virus. Nooooooooooo! “I’ll call you later. By the way, you’re hard.” So purred the Countess to the hotel’s new owner, Will Drake. He’s never gotten it up for a woman before, but honey, Lady Gaga can turn any man straight (into a vampire). The Countess refuses to let her new boy toy Tristan kill Will before she marries him and takes all his money. Really? That’s her motive? She’s a fashion vampire in a penthouse with access to blood babies and endless weaves.

She’s already got it all! “You’re starving, too. I can taste it on you.” Maybe I’m just thirsty and relieved it’s not blood, but I’m continually impressed by Hypodermic Sally’s endless stream of tears during any of her scenes with Detective Wes Bentley. He seemed legit turned on as she tried to lure him into her world of smudged mascara and desperation with some fierce ear-biting and a hand down his pants. So much crying and licking with this one. Now I definitely need a real drink. Beware of the Addiction Demon and Bernie Madoff, everyone. See you next week.