American Horror Story: Hotel Episode 10 Recap: She Gets Revenge

Liz Taylor wants to live, dammit! The sequined heart and soul of season 5 (mostly because she’s the only non-vampire, non-serial killer character alive, but also because of her pizazz) conducts an entire evening gown’s worth — and then some — of her unfinished business by reconnecting with her son and opening fire on the Countess. But even before the explosive cliffhanger in its final moments, “She Gets Revenge” is a major bloodbath as four people die in the name of love. A man and his cancer-stricken wife commit double suicide after deciding that they’d rather shuffle off the mortal coil together than have to part ways. Then Donovan kills Valentino because he loves the Countess at the same time the Countess kills Natacha because she loves Valentino. It sounds complicated, but both are easy slays because Natacha and Valentino are silly weirdos from the silent movie era trying to defend themselves with swords and knives. Sorry, losers, but it’s 2015 and unless you have a gun and “Hotline Bling” on repeat, you may as well be dead. After discovering her ancient lover’s beautiful face riddled with bullets, the Countess floats up to her penthouse and is shocked to find her current lover still there, shamelessly emo-dancing to Drake just waiting for her to come kill him. He doesn’t mind. Go ahead. He’d welcome it! “Dying is the only way you’ll let me love you,” says Matt Bomer’s pretty face. “I don’t know how else to do it.” Neither Lady Gaga nor the Countess has ever been so turned on in her life. “Beautiful boy,” she coos. “Willing to sacrifice everything for the love of me. What a beautiful thing I’ve made.” She peers at him more closely while gripping his neck. Hmmm. He does have better cheekbones than Valentino. Cheekbones for days, in fact. As the Countess sobs in a pool of Donovan’s vulnerability and her own narcissism, it’s no wonder she’s caught off guard when anti-suicide brigade Liz Taylor and Iris storm into the penthouse and shoot her and the beautiful boy, presumably to death. Well, whatever “death” means on this show, which as far as I can tell is “life with no escape”. Case in point: Will Drake, whom the Countess left for dead in the hidden corridor last week. He saunters back into her chill zone, all spiffy and fresh as she pretends to report him as missing to the police, and we feel a strange sense of kinship with vampire Lady Gaga because we know and she knows that this must be a ghost, but the cops have no idea. He politely waits until those clueless idiots leave before sassily unloading: “You murdered me, you bitch.” He then attempts to lord it over her (ghost stuff) that she’s not getting his money, but the Countess points out that according to Will’s will, she’s the legal guardian of his son Lachlan and knows exactly how to keep that stylish moppet young… forever. The hotelier stumbles into the dark halls, finally aware of the wicked blood world now that Ramona Royale has sucked him dry. John Lowe’s Ten Commandments murders are going super well. He’s hacked off the ears of three people who heard the calling of false gods, so, you know. That’s done. Whew! Just one more and he’ll be free. (Yeah, right.) A flash of humanity crosses Lowe’s face. Is he suddenly sad that he’s a brainwashed serial killer? Nah, he just wants to check in on his wife, Dr. Alex, because otherwise she wouldn’t get to be in this episode. The pair find common ground after admitting they’re the world’s worst parents, but they can’t bask in the everlasting glow of mutual recklessness just yet. First they must hunt down the pack of wild children Alex turned into vampires that one time and lure them back to the hotel’s all-new renovation purgatory fun zone featuring Will Drake’s corpse, a thirsty Ramona Royale, and the ashes of a doomed contractor who couldn’t follow through on his projection to finish the wing overnight. Is this marital success? Sure. Once the couple officially reconnects in the bedroom, Alex announces she still wants to go through with the divorce, as if these characters have any remaining tie to reality. “Something has fallen behind your eyes,” she tells her husband. “You’re all there.” Satisfied with such a poetic statement, the doctor promptly leaves. Meanwhile, Hypodermic Sally lurks in the corner, smokin’ and seethin’ as usual. She’s been watching them the whole time. Showing Chloe Sevigny’s butt onscreen to offset all the male asses we’ve been treated to this season? Sally’s idea. She’s a weepy genius. She pounces on Lowe with a knife, insisting his marriage will never work out once Alex finds out he’s a serial killer. But isn’t Alex sort of a serial killer by association since she effectively turned the measles kid into a murder-machine? Are these two tragically flawed characters actually perfect for each other, like Donovan and the Countess? Lowe and Alex swish happily out of the hotel with their son Holden, desperately seeking salvation and maybe their daughter Scarlett if they ever get around to it. (Not gonna happen.) Liz Taylor, too, has found a reason to live now that her son Douglas is cool with his dad being a lady — more than okay, in fact. “I learned something when Pedro died on The Real World,” says Douglas, “and then I kept learning.” Hey, whatever works, right? There are worse reasons than pop culture to love and/or die for someone. I can only assume that Douglas, a living human who enters the Hotel Cortez on his own free will, is decidedly unsafe. But then again, isn’t everyone unsafe from themselves? “We’re entitled to a second chance,” Liz reminds Iris during a rush of empowerment that I hope will last throughout the final two episodes in January. “We are the ones who should inherit the Earth. We freaking take over this damn hotel. A glorious, blazing, final act, my friend.” You heard it from Liz Taylor: The best is yet to come. Right onto Hypodermic Sally’s [BLEEP]. See you in a few weeks!