Breaking: The Kardashians Have Announced Their Retirement From Public Life

In a truly surprising statement made via fax today, the Kardashians have announced that they are taking leave of all social media platforms, abandoning their smart devices, and retiring from public life forever — effective immediately. "Since 2007," wrote Kris Kardashian, the de facto spokesperson for the family and author of the fax, "we have allowed you people to peer into the most intimate moments of our lives. And sure, it used to be fun, especially back when I didn't have to worry about crisis-managing Kanye's Twitter rants. "But in recent years," the momager went on, "appropriate appreciation for our contribution to society and pop culture at large has waned tremendously. Lately, people have become big fat whiners, complaining about the way that Kardashian flotsam dominates their newsfeed. What you may not understand is that we're actually the only thing keeping media organizations afloat these days. "So you want to see less of Kylie, Kendall, Khloé, Kourtney, Kim, and me?" she queried. "You got it. But good luck finding out how to use Kylie's Lip Kit or achieve Kim's contouring technique without the instructive public service videos we've been disseminating via Instagram and Snapchat. You'll never be able to properly shade your cheekbones or plump your lips again. And we'll just see how long internet publishers make it without our never-ending supply of fodder for the 24-hour news cycle." Kris added that, along with her five daughters, she will be shutting down all of her personal platforms, including gaming apps, websites, and social media handles. Though the Kardashian matriarch did not spell out exactly what she and her famous brood will be up to now that they have so much free time on their hands, some insight may be gleaned from what could in fact be her very last tweet, ever: a GIF of Scrooge McDuck diving into his pool of money.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians is currently still on the E! schedule. Insider sources told Refinery29 that the network is attempting to transition the focus to a reality series about the Obamas: America's less famous first family.