Dear Lindsay Lohan, Thank You (& Happy Birthday)

Dear Lindsay, Linds, Linz, LiLo, I'm writing this to say thank you. Gracias. Merci. Grazie. Danke sehr. Thanks. "Who, me?" You might ask aloud, while browsing Instagram and typing your latest incomprehensible message on the Brexit decision, while also sitting next to your Russian heir (rumored) fiancé. But yes, you. You with your red hair, freckles, and sass. We all know you were one of the OG millennial party girls, and basically invented resting bitch face. It's time to give some credit where credit is due. On the eve of your 30th birthday, July 2, I want to say thank you so, so much for all the lessons you taught me through the years. You may be an unlikely mentor and inspiration, but you were indeed one to me. You're only six years older than me, but your experience dealing with real-life issues has been a major guiding light for me. You are older, and have therefore made me all the wiser. Here goes...

Thank you for teaching me it's okay to forget things. Sure, sometimes life gets you down. When I'm running late to work, or forget to call my grandma on Mother's Day, I remember the time you forgot to wish your brother a happy birthday and realized it on The Jay Leno Show. Thank you for giving me the best outfit for my friend's birthday party. I have a confession to make: I own a shirt with your mugshot on it. I know, weird. But I bought it for my friend's themed birthday party. Her name's Lindsay too, and we all had to wear a costume that started with the letter L, so I was like, "I'll be Lindsay Lohan." Pretty brill, right? I went on Etsy and bought a custom-made T-shirt with your black-and-white mug shot on it. I wore handcuffs on one hand, and had a red Solo cup in the other. I think you would have really approved. Thank you for showing me that I don't need to turn all my hobbies into careers. We'll all just forget about that singing stint. Though, you were nominated for a Video Music Award for "Rumors" so it appears the true joke was on everyone else. Thank you for having the OG girl squad.

I'm sure y'all had memorable times, even if you couldn't quite always remember them.

Thank you for showing me how to pierce my ears with an ice cube and a slice of an apple. This entertained my friends and me for countless summers, well into college. Thank you for teaching me the dance to "Jingle Bell Rock." My parents may not thank you, but I do.

Thank you for helping me take a bomb-ass DMV picture. You nailed it every time.

Thank you for spreading awareness about drinking and driving. It's bad. Don't do it. Aside from the fact that serious penalties will ensue, it's just plain dangerous. I learned that from you. Thank you for being resilient. You had it rough. The media was tough on you, and you taught me that no matter how many times you get knocked down, you'd better get back up. I hope you have a happy and healthy birthday as you embark on your 30th year around the sun. It's been a wild ride. If it's wrong to stand proudly by you, Lilo, then I don't want to be right.

XO,
Morgan P.S. — I want you to know that I never judged you. Not when you agreed to act in that awful movie Herbie: Fully Loaded, not when you pissed Oprah off, and not even when you forgot to wear underwear while clubbing. Whatever. It happens.