So You Think You Can Govern: Women Are So Demanding (Of Health Care)

It seems this week that the Trump administration has started melting down faster than a Bachelor contestant who had too many vodka sodas before a rose ceremony. And since our nation’s leaders are behaving more like the prom-gown wearing contestants on a dating show than government officials, we’re going to cover their actions in the same way.

Vice President Mike Pence took a break from picking the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms so he could just eat the oats and held a meeting about the American Health Care Act. The House was supposed to vote to repeal Obamacare Thursday, but the vote was delayed to make sure no superfluous things were covered by the AHCA, like prenatal care or chemotherapy. But stay tuned to see how much this did not happen.

A photo circulated of the meeting Pence held showing a room full of old white men. That’s a perfectly fine group if you’re legislating golf pants regulations or NCIS re-run scheduling, but not the healthcare policy of all Americans, especially women. Having a meeting about maternity care without any women is like holding a summit about collagen injections and not inviting Lisa Rinna.

The argument for removing prenatal care from AHCA coverage is that men shouldn't have to pay for it, because it’s not their fault that people end up pregnant or anything. Sounds unfair. Just like us helping cover boner pills for the old guys who think women should pop out babies alone on the kitchen floor, and then get up and make dinner.

The first go at the bill would have left 24 million Americans uninsured within 10 years while reducing the federal deficit $337 billion, and it was...not well-received. It rated worse than the Vanderpump Rules lost footage episode (seriously, we’ve seen Jax put his bare ass on Schwartz’s face, is there really anything from this cast that we haven’t seen yet?).

But things can always get worse, and boy did they when the shiny, new AHCA was reviewed by the Congressional Budget Office. AHCA 2.0 is like America’s Next Top Model once Tyra left. Yeah, it’s technically the same thing, but without the star even fewer people like it (by star I mean actual deficit reduction). The new CBO score determined that the amended bill would reduce the deficit by only $151 billion while still leaving the same number of citizens without coverage.

Early on Friday, Paul Ryan apparently rushed to Trump with news that the House does not have enough votes to repeal Obamacare. And sure enough, on Friday afternoon the bill was pulled. I’m sure Paul Ryan is texting all of his buddies in Congress “jk” with the laughing emoji right now trying to cover his ass. Sick of hearing about the AHCA already? It might be more fun if we start referring to it as “My doctor is a pile of Advil and Gummy Vitamins wearing a stethoscope Care Act.”

While the government spent part of the week making sure that old white men didn’t have to pay for the survival of new mothers and babies, the middle of the week was dedicated to figuring out exactly how Russia may have interfered with the presidential election, plus some tweeting. This Russia story feels a lot like Gretchen and Slade’s relationship on Real Housewives of Orange County. Yeah, we all know Slade is in it for the fame and money. Yes, there is lots of loose evidence. No, he has never admitted it and probably never will even though everyone knows it’s true.

In the middle of the hearing, which he was not attending, Trump did what he does best, and tweeted incorrect information, writing: “The NSA and FBI tell Congress that Russia did not influence electoral process.” FBI director James Comey had to correct him during the actual hearing, saying that while Russia didn't change votes in every state, we can't say it had no influence on the election. This would be like if Andy Cohen tweeted “Luann and Tom never got married” in the middle of an episode about their wedding.

Early this week began the confirmation hearings for Trump’s nomination for the Supreme Court, Neil Gorsuch. It almost feels like a Miss America pageant where a winner was crowned but then “couldn’t fulfill her duty” because Republicans in Congress were hell bent on returning our country to pre-Civil War era laws.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer has assured people that democrats will filibuster Gorsuch’s confirmation. It’s hard to see a way that would prevent the confirmation, as the Republicans have been dead set on keeping a super conservative butt in this seat ever since Justice Antonin Scalia passed away last year. Is it too late to clone Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

Stay tuned next week when pregnant women will be charged a real estate tax on their uteruses and Putin gets an honorary Supreme Court seat.

The senate voted to allow internet providers to sell consumer data without being required to tell those consumers they are doing so. Better unfollow Moon Juice now unless you want Amanda Chantal Bacon to be able to show up to your door with a $40 jar of cordyceps.

Ivanka Trump has taken up an actual office in the White House. She hasn't been given an explicit position just yet, but hopefully she’s not secretary of whether drop-waist seams belong on a shift dress (they do not).

While the rest of the government was busy with Russia and health care, Trump got to sit in a truck! Vrooommm!