Lip Smacker, Please Accept My Application For "Tastemaker"

I was considered cool in second grade until one of my “friends” ruined my social standing by starting a rumor that she’d seen me eating my Sugar Cookie Lip Smacker. This, you must know, is patently untrue — to this day, I have never in my life so much as taken a bite out of a Lip Smacker.

But have I licked a Lip Smacker? Well, of course. When you’re putting something that smells that good, and that much like food, that close to your mouth, you’d be an idiot not to at least taste it. That’s why they call it a “flavor.” I have a very sensitive palate, and while a Lip Smacker might just taste like standard-issue wax to most, I believe in my heart that I could identify several different varieties in a double-blind test on taste alone. That’s why I nominate myself as a contender for the title of Lip Smacker’s first Taste-Maker.

“Lip Smacker is looking for someone with GOOD TASTE, a real fire for FLAVOR,” the Instagram post announcing the contest declares. So, me? “Wow us with your suggestion – and we will make it come to life!” The winning fan will get their flavor featured on LipSmacker.com as a limited-edition exclusive item, a one-of-a-kind “blinged-out crystal Biggy” (I don’t know what that is!) in the flavor they created, their own personal batch of “hand-crafted, artisanal Lip Smacker lip balm,” and, of course, the title of Official Lip Smacker Taste-Maker 2017.

All you need to do is comment on the Instagram with the name of your flavor, the key ingredients, and descriptors, then tag it. For example, my submission is Lost Innocence. It’s bittersweet, with top notes of elementary-school classroom carpeting, dusty books, and a modern-day voting booth, and a slightly salty dry-down of tears and — wait for it — Sugar Cookie Lip Smacker. It’ll be the first meta flavor of Lip Smacker to ever exist. Now, where’s my seal of approval and authorized certificate?