Today in stories that will make you want to take a shower, I bring you Super Mario's nipples. Yes, you read that correctly. Nintendo's signature superhero has ditched his red overalls and headed to the beach for a little Koopa-stomping in the sun. With nipples.
Today, Nintendo unveiled some press shots of Mario in action in his new game Super Mario Odyssey. We've never seen canon Mario shirtless, so have hitherto never had a reason to consider his actuated areolae. I certainly don't mean to body-shame the poor fellow — like many others, I'm just moderately creeped out at seeing my favorite video game character exhibiting uh, way-too-human characteristics. It just crosses into uncanny valley. That said, if sexy cartoons are your thing, by all means, you do you!
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It goes without saying that Princess Peach certainly wouldn't be allowed to #FreeTheNipple. Scores of women have had their photo removed from social media for the terrible crime of showing off a female nipple. Would it be a show of solidarity if Mario threw on a cute little striped tank top? Probably not, but it would definitely make me feel way less icky.
I am not alone: Twitter similarly had a freak-out fest over half-naked Mario. While most users were like NOPE, some had very hilarious things to say. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go retch into a pillow.
Upon further inspection, Mario has been shirtless before...but DIDN'T HAVE NIPPLES. He GREW nipples for Odyssey. Story of the CENTURY. pic.twitter.com/V0luiEUYxC
— GoNintendoTweet (@GoNintendoTweet) September 14, 2017
THIS IS BONKERS.
You mean It's not canon anymore ??!? pic.twitter.com/2hO1nrKBEa
— ♄ (@HalviI) September 13, 2017
Another wrinkle in Mario's anatomical canon.
Mario has nips?? pic.twitter.com/Iy4Q4ubPim
— Ezra (@FeedMeEggrolls) September 13, 2017
*opens twitter*
— m'daddy (@thotcouture) September 15, 2017
"We have to talk about Mario's nipples"
*closes twitter*
These two tweets sum up how we've all been feeling.
Now Mario is a real Italian pic.twitter.com/JVsUBqIQ0J
— Fizzy_BC (@Fizzy292) September 14, 2017
My personal favorite tweet about Nintendo Nipplegate 2017.
Woah! Look what happens if you zoom right in on Mario's nipples pic.twitter.com/4miOKt954Z
— Ian Higton (@IanHigton) September 13, 2017
MAKE IT GO AWAY FOREVER.
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