Bachelor In Paradise Season 5 Finale Recap: Annaliese, Unleashed

The summer has passed, and with it the relevance of Bachelor in Paradise, ABC's scammiest reality show. What a relief! Bachelor in Paradise is great summer television because nothing super important ever happens — save for that controversy last year — and, for the most part, you can depend on a few Instagram influencers to find love on camera. This season, compared to years past, was relatively low-key. There was one big fight, but no real villains. Two former villains (Chris and Krystal) redeemed themselves with a relationship of their own. A Bachelorette good guy lost his footing (that's Leo, whom the finale didn't address). Joe the grocer lived up to his Twitter cred as the Best Guy to Grace the Franchise. And, because if anything men are consistent, one men wrought a disastrous breakup upon an unwitting woman. The highs weren't too high, and the lows haven't been that terrible. On the beaches of Mexico, some people found love. All of them found fame.

These are their stories.

(Oh, and, by the way, the stories will continue after Paradise. There is still drama to be unveiled.)

The couple that seemed inane, a model and a social media manager, ended up being the most disastrous. At their rote rose ceremony early in the episde, this couple — who slurped together under desperate measures — didn't look built to last. Kamil looks like he's reading his rose speech from cue cards. Meanwhile, Annaliese is infatuated, which she's been from day one. They don't get engaged, but they do make a promise to keep dating. Kamil even says he was in love with Annaliese. On the aftershow, though, Kamil and Annaliese's relationship comes to a screeching halt.

Who knew you could dump someone onstage? On a live-ish after show for ABC? With cameras?

Kamil knew! He tells Annaliese, "I think I might not be the guy for you." On stage. With Chris Harrison at his elbow. He claims he lost the "Paradise" spark in the real world. (Was this really the only time he could find on his calendar to break up with someone?) And here we thought Arie's breakup with Becca was the most ruthless in history. This couple had an Airbnb reservation for the rest of the week.

Here's where it's helpful to have a crowd. After the breakup, the crowd rips into some booing while Annaliese runs from the cameras. Never forget, though — the cameras will chase you where 'ere you go. She crouches backstage, still crying, until she's ready to emerge. (That's the moment when Tia says, "Yes, bitch, yes.")

The ensuing diatribe is cathartic. Annaliese lists off the things she's done for Kamil. Sent his mom flowers! She booked his flight! She even tried to break up with him two weeks ago! She tried to do the emotional labor of this whole shebang already! Annaliese won Paradise, whether or not she's engaged. Now, if she's trying to follow a track, her only choice is to return next year and find her Evan Bass.

This is the couple that Paradise wants us to think is our Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. The trouble is, both seem a little disconnected from reality. Still, though, they proceed with a proposal.

"I've come to the realization that you're all I ever wanted," Jenna tells a beatific Jordan. Then, after Jordan says he's madly in love with Jenna, he proposes. The music swells, the waves make a racket (these waves are noisy), and Jenna and Jordan become one.

Later, at the after show, things are a bit more tense. Apparently, they think on "different sides" of their brains. That, plus the distance, has been putting a strain on their relationship. Despite that, though, the couple is plotting on getting married (on June 9, 2019) and having kids (straight out of the oven, per Jordan).

After being cast as villains on their various seasons, Chris and Krystal were the ones who needed redemption on the beach. And they did get it, after some tribulations. At the proposal, Chris hesitates, unsure. He's honest: "It hasn't been smooth sailing." Then, he's awful: "It would be unfair to both of us if I left here holding your hand. I want to leave here holding your heart." They get engaged, whoop-di-doo, and then Chris FaceTimes his mothers.

A little quibble: When Chris FaceTimed his mom after the engagement, his mother said, "Is that Krystal?" That makes it sound like she knew about Krystal, even though most these kids ostensibly don't have their phones on them. Is she...reading blogs about the show on the internet? I demand an answer.

On the after show, Chris is weepy, admitting that Krystal helped him evolve from Mr. Angry (who appeared on Becca's season) to Mr. Swoony (who, like, just appeared). For their efforts, Chris and Krystal receive a crystal goose for their mantle.

"Just a programmer" John got a lot of love this season. Things were never going to end well for him — I just wish he hadn't hurt Olivia.

"I felt like our different lifestyles wouldn't make it work," John says to Olivia on the after show. They're just friends, but she feels like he didn't give their relationship a fair chance. Apparently, he shared that he was FaceTiming Chelsea on his Instagram during a time when they were still dating. Which begs the question: Chelsea and John? Maybe? Eventually?

I want to revisit this couple mainly because Angela has a new Bachelor boyfriend now, and it's important that we give her the narrative she deserves. Let's clarify some things: Eric thinks his time with Angela was low-key. She disagrees. She says he told her she was his "queen."

"We were locked in, but I was feeling like you were blocking me," Eric says, defensive. He apologizes, though, and things seem relatively calm. Angela is now dating Clay Harbor, a contestant from Becca Kufrin's season of The Bachelorette.

Okay, not a couple! But, for the sake of posterity, let's discuss. Briefly, Benoit dated Jenna, and Benoit is still upset that his actions caused drama. "I don't talk about women like they are snacks, like they are meals," Benoit says pointedly. Jordan compares Benoit to a "fly in [his] face."

Shall we revisit the most revisited couple of Paradise?

"We were never on the same page," Tia admits, getting a laugh from the audience. Colton, meanwhile, is sitting pretty as the new Bachelor.

Seems like they only broke up yesterday. Oh wait — they did. Now, on the after show (which was filmed this weekend), they are less than broken up. According to Astrid, they are "in limbo." That is not something, though, that the show will let sleep. Limbo will be no more! Kevin enters, swarthy and freshly shorn, and makes amends with Astrid by telling her he's in love with her.

One thing he makes clear: Kevin regrets going into the fantasy suite with Ashley Iaconetti on Bachelor Winter Games. Hm!

"She's one of the coolest people I've ever met," Kevin adds, talking about Astrid now. At this point, they hold hands again. Then, Astrid says she's still in love with Kevin. With that, the band is back together. They have since posted an Instagram of themselves grocery shopping in Toronto.

Joe and Kendall are this season's actual Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. In this situation, though, Joe is the girl and Kendall is Mrs. "Back to December." She got nervous, she says. On the aftershow, Kendall comes out tear ducts blazing, weeping.

"I was terrified...I tend to run away from relationships that are serious," she says, still crying. Following the show, she travelled to Chicago to find Joe. There, they had an on-camera (!) conversation. This franchise has gotten real slap-happy with the cameras lately, sending film crews into weirdly intimate situations. The gist of this (very cold) interaction is that Kendall is still in love with Joe. This is their moment! This is running-through-Heathrow airport. This is showing up at the Empire state building on Valentine's Day. This is hanging from the bars of a Ferris Wheel! Except they're both sitting on white couch with a fur throw, and a camera is present.

Fast-forward a month or so, and Joe and Kendall are on another couch, this time with Chris Harrison present. They are dating — boyfriend-girlfriend, as the teens say — and Joe will be going on Dancing with the Stars. They are significantly warmer with one another, exchanging kisses and goofing off with one another. May this couple last longer than Bachelor Nation's last DWTS-adjacent couple.

With that, Bachelor content is all run dry for the year. On January 7, Colton Underwood reigns as Bachelor.