Every Absurd Thing That Happens In Life-Size 2

A Christmas Prince can take several seats, because Freeform has officially made the most bananas holiday movie.

After years of promising a sequel to the 2000 ABC television movie Life-Size, Freeform has finally delivered unto us Life-Size 2: A Christmas Eve, which unites Tyra Banks as the living doll Eve with another young woman who needs her help.

However, don’t expect the exact same song and dance as the original (literally, in the case of the film’s re-done version of Eve’s iconic theme song “Be A Star.”) Life-Size 2 is a different beast entirely, with its own soon-to-be iconic moments.

Life-Size 2 replaces Lohan’s tween Casey with 20-something Gracie (grown-ish star Francia Raisa), who, as we learn early on from her antics at a luau-themed holiday party, is a hot mess. She’s also the newly-appointed CEO of the toy company who makes the Barbie-adjacent Eve doll.

While Casey’s mission was to finally move on from her mother’s unexpected death, Gracie has to navigate being a #BossLady when the white men in her toy company’s boardroom attempt to squeeze her out of her job(Though the film insists Gracie is very smart and worthy of this huge responsibility, she tends to show up hours late and very hungover to board meetings.).

Fortunately, the newly life-sized doll Eve is here not just to save Gracie’s job but to save all the Eves of Sunnyvale (all played by Banks, naturally). Gracie’s company — specifically a board member who may as well be twirling an invisible mustache — wants to nix the unprofitable doll line entirely.

Naturally shenanigans ensue, morals are taught, and Banks sings. In the process, however, Life-Size 2 indulges in some truly bonkers moments, which you may need to see to believe.

Below are the most absurd, surreal, and downright insane moments from what is sure to be a classic holiday film sequel.

After jokingly summoning Eve via a spellbook, Gracie wakes up to find Eve sleeping next to her in her bed. Gracie, who may drink too much if this is a routine occurrence for her, assumes that she’s last night’s hookup and a stage-five clinger. The casualness of the interaction is hilarious, considering that Eve looks identical to the doll that Gracie’s mother created. The visual connection should suggest that at the very least Gracie’s hookup is a stalker obsessed with her toy company. On the plus side, good on Freeform for depicting a subtly queer character in Gracie.

For some reason, Gracie does not call the police (or an Uber for Eve!), but takes her to brunch where Gracie’s friends discover Eve is not batshit insane but truly and utterly delightful. As a reminder, these friends do not believe at this point that Eve is a doll. They legitimately believe that Gracie’s hookup is just a quirky lady who drinks liquified butter, orders every item on the brunch menu, and wears evening gowns with white satin gloves because she’s… chic? Get yourselves friends like these, because they definitely won’t judge any of your life choices.

As an OG Life-Size stan, I was curious as to how they would make Eve completely oblivious to the human world when Lohan already introduced her to the school of hard knocks 18 years ago. The answer? “Eve” is actually multiple dolls and when they’re not humanized in order to help women accomplish doll-related goals, they live in “Sunnyvale,” a barebones soundstage with a few colorfully painted walls.

HBIC Eve is the one who went to the human world to help Casey overcome debilitating grief, which we know because she still has the bangs acquired at the very end of the first film. However, there are other versions of Eve, all of whom, apparently, have their own roles — like Secretary Eve, whom HBIC Eve can’t bring herself to inform can’t type for shit.

The Eve dolls all seem pretty happy in Sunnyvale, but when you think about it you realize that they’re trapped in a prison with their own clones, only capable of the nuanced human experience when a spellbook summons them to earth. When they return from Earth, how can Sunnyvale ever compare to the wonders they experienced? It’s like a heavily sanitized episode of Black Mirror.

At the end of the film, Gracie realizes that the Eve Doll needs to adapt to the changing times. This slightly cynical viewer was hoping that Gracie would develop an Eve Doll iPhone game and call it a day, but instead, Gracie creates a brand-new line of dolls for the 2018 tween. There’s now Woke Eve, who stages a protest in Sunnyvale. (Is anyone else afraid that the dolls will become more self-aware under Woke Eve, inadvertently plunging Sunnyvale into “USS Callister” territory?) There’s also Love Is Love Eve, Curvalicious Eve, and… well, I really hope that these dolls can get the youths off their iPads, but honestly, I’m not that optimistic.

Of course the Life-Size theme song would get an update for 2018 that involves Banks rapping on stage during the toy company’s shareholder’s meeting.

Life-Size 2 may be the most surreal Christmas movie to hit television this holiday season. Pour yourself a heavy mug of eggnog, kick up your feet, and marvel at Ms. Banks’ rap skills and butter fetish. You will not be even a little sorry.

Life-Size 2 premieres on Freeform on Sunday, December 2, as part of Freeform’s 25 Days of Christmas.