No one is safe when it comes to getting roasted in a Saturday Night Live cold open. If you’re in the news, you’re fair game. And if Kate McKinnon can impersonate you, it’s just a matter of time. This week, it was Lori Loughlin’s turn.
Three men in a jail cell each try and one-up each other for whose crime is worse. One came in for armed robbery, one for assault, and another for stabbing his neighbor to death. Just when the latter believes he has won the title of “baddest in the cell,” in saunters McKinnon as Loughlin, camel blazer and all. “Oh yeah? You think that’s insane? I paid $500,000 to get my daughter into USC,” she says. A hush falls over the cell followed by shock and disbelief that anyone would pay that much for college — on top of yearly tuition.
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“What did you daughter major in?” asks Kenan Thompson, playing one of the men in jail. Loughlin answers, “Communications,” which was met with disappointment from her cellmates. It only gets worse when she explains that her daughter, Olivia Jade, is an Instagram influencer.
Clearly, prison has changed her. She whips out a shiv when she’s asked by one of her cellmates if she is Aunt Becky and explains that she’s already bribed the guards by getting their kids into competitive pre-K schools. It seems “everywhere you look,” Loughlin has it covered. Even with such bold claims, her fellow cellmates don’t believe she could make it a week in prison. She quickly proves them wrong. “You think prison is hard? I have done 68 Hallmark movies. I have seen hell, man” the actress asserted. “And in half those Hallmark movies, I married Santa’s son. So I have lost all sense of reality.”
The title of “baddest in the cell” doesn’t get awarded that easily. Other recent headline-makers throw their hats into the ring. Pete Davidson as Michael Avanatti, who was indicted on 36 counts of tax evasion, perjury, and theft, approaches the group for consideration. He is joined shortly after by Michael Keaton as WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, who was recently arrested for U.S. hacking charges. Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine (Melissa Villaseñor), who was charged with armed robbery, racketeering, and drug trafficking, rounds out the ensemble.