Bachelorette star Hannah Brown is wearing a skintight dress, but has still managed to find a way to comfortably straddle country music crooner Jed Wyatt, who is sitting on a rigid wooden chair. The sounds of their kissing echoes through the Scottish castle currently hosting this steamy hookup.
In the background, contestant Kevin Fortenberry, still sporting an arm sling after an injury from an earlier group date, is frozen from shock and jealousy. “I mean, me and Hannah have not kissed yet,” Kevin says in a confessional. Hannah could not be any less aware of Kevin’s anxious presence as she’s wrapped in Jed’s arms.
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No moment better captures the spirit of the 2019 Bachelorette. Hannah may have started “Week 5,” the official halfway mark of season 15, claiming she wants to open herself up to new relationships, but there are only five remaining guys the Bachelorette is actually invested in. Those frontrunners are, as they’ve been for weeks, Jed, Tyler Cameron, Pilot Pete Weber, Mike Johnson, and, unfortunately, Luke Parker. You just have to look at the many makeouts of the episode to see that.
In a group date that will go down in the horny ages, Hannah enjoys hard PG-13 smooch session with three of her contestants. The first is with Jed, who would go on to win the group date rose. Yet, the Nashville singer seemingly had the most chaste lip-lock of the evening when you compare it to Hannah’s alone time with Pilot Pete and dark horse suitor Tyler (not so coincidentally, this trio each won one of the three Highland games on the group date). In an endearingly dorky move, Pete picks Hannah up tries to lay her down on a pool table for kiss. After a rocky start, the pair — who agreed to be “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” last week — is fully horizontal and rolling around the pool table together.
“It feels so, just like, hot and sexy,” Pete, clearly overwhelmed, gushes in a confessional.
Then Hannah and Tyler sneak off to a castle bedroom to really test the boundaries of just how hot and sexy The Bachelorette can get. As is becoming a tradition for these two, some very flirty wordplay is first tossed around. When Hannah says Tyler is the only one who can “wax that axe,” referring to an earlier Highland competition, Tyler hears “wax my ass.” He is momentarily excited to learn he and Hannah are “that close.” It’s very funny. The laughter subsides after Hannah leads Tyler to the bed and crawls on top of him. They end up making out on the bed, next to the bed, and probably a few other places Bachelorette cameras didn’t show us.
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Meanwhile, Hannah is sharing short smooches with Garrett Powell and reading Gaelic a full yard away from underutilized Devin Harris. It’s still unclear if Kevin even got his inaugural kiss. Hannah, a woman influenced by her libido, is just not into these men.
She is, however, still very much into the two men who got one-on-one dates, Mike and Luke. After a feelings-filled day together, breakout Mike gets the date rose and many slow kisses in a Scottish pub named MacGregor’s. By this point, Mike has already confessed he could imagine himself proposing to Hannah at the end of the show. Hannah is apparently open to the possibility, saying in a confession, “I could see a future with him, if this keeps going the way it is.”
The Bachelorette could also see a future with exhausting, robotic Luke, despite all of her apprehensions about season 15’s most divisive character. “I want to be able to send him home just like I’ve sent home every other guy that’s pissed me off. But I can’t,” Hannah says to the camera. “What if I let go of Luke but he’s who I’m supposed to be with?” Every time you wonder why Luke is still hanging around The Bachelorette, know it's because that one nagging question is haunting the lead.
Even though Hannah closes the episode by refusing to give Luke the date rose, he could still snag one in the week-ending rose ceremony (he is in the promo for “Week 6”). No matter what, it is evident the “Luke Ness Monster,” as the rest of the season 15 men like to say, is still taking up major real estate in Hannah’s heart. So apologies to guys like Dylan Barbour, you never had a chance. Yes, there is a man named Dylan currently kicking around this season of The Bachelorette — surprise.