Hump, Marry, Kill: Why Do Zombie Apocalypses Make Men Super Sexy?

Hump: Modern television has taught us a very important lesson. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the men in your life will only get better looking (well, the ones that remain un-zombified).

Now, one could make the evolution-based argument that it's a case of heroics and survival skills causing someone to appear more attractive to you, making you want to mate with him and help repopulate the earth. But in the case of Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) on The Walking Dead, it’s not just the whole “let’s save the human race” instinct kicking in. He is now a bona-fide heartthrob. From his perfect layer of perma-scruff verging on chiseled jaw-defining beard to his salt-and-pepper hair with soft waves you just want to run your hands through, and those clothes that appear tailor-made for his lean, muscled (from kicking zombie ass — that hatchet swing into their brain is a killer tricep and lat workout) body, he looks like he just walked off a Ralph Lauren photo shoot.

I'm not the only one who feels this way, either. I watched Sunday's episode with a heterosexual male who totally agreed. There's just something about an increasingly morally ambiguous survivor tribe leader that's super sexy. Plus, (spoiler alert) he's kind of single now. Game on.

Marry: I swore I wasn’t going to write about Parks and Rec again, because my love for fictional characters in a fictional town is already verging on weird. But did you see last night’s episode? When Ben did the surprise thing after we all thought he was going to move to Florida, and they kissed, and there was crying? (And not just me on my couch; Leslie and Ben were crying, too.) Be still my cold, jaded New York heart. There is love and happiness in the world — even if it’s on a fictional TV show. Plus, Anne was Gabby Douglas for Halloween, and I just found out that Jean-Ralphio is coming back next week. Trying my best not to freak out over here.

Kill: It’s a proven fact that I can’t resist a new show on MTV — especially one that tries so, so hard to capture the current zeitgeist of Millennials wandering around aimlessly in these trying economic times of limited job opportunities. Last week heralded the debut of Underemployed, which is totally different from I Just Want My Pants Back because it’s set in Chicago, not Brooklyn, and the central conceit of the show doesn’t bother with that whole looking-for-pants-that-symbolize-lost-love thing. Underemployed just gets right to the really interesting things like entry-level office jobs, being a struggling writer who thinks she’s the voice of her generation (isn’t that Lena Dunham’s territory?), and trying to make it as a model...in Chicago.

The most annoying character on Underemployed thus far is Raviva. In the pilot, she ended things with her college boyfriend and headed to L.A. to break into the music business. But it's a tale as old as time — Raviva ended up tending bar. Since this is a show about a group of friends though, they must all end up in one place. What brings Raviva back to Chicago, you ask? Well, she shows up on her ex-boyfriend’s doorstep, and instead of “hey” or “long time no see,” she decides to greet him with “guess who turned out to be pro-life?”

Take it from me, there’s nothing men love more than being presented with a child they didn’t know they fathered and a political statement at the same time. (Not that I’ve done it, I’ve just read enough women’s magazines and seen enough romantic comedies to know that gestures like that are not 100% welcomed by unemployed 22-year-olds who can barely take care of themselves.

Anyway, Raviva and college boyfriend decide to reunite, and he’s forced to work at his dad’s company in a lame office with a horrible boss when what he really wants is to work for a nonprofit, saving the environment (don’t they all). Raviva stays home with the baby all day, bored out of her mind. You don’t have to be a relationship expert to predict the amount of seething resentment that develops in approximately one day. On the the plus side, between Underemployed and Teen Mom, MTV is making quite the compelling case for birth control these days.